love is the movement

for as long as i can remember, i have questioned not only the meaning of life, my life, and the precise point of why we are alive, why we live, but also the sheer essence of life. and really, to be completely transparent, i did not truly articulate my conclusion until i read and reread eckhart tolle’s book the power of now. it is practically my bible, if i believed in such a thing. it is hands-down the most impactful book i have ever read in my life thus far, and i recommend it to any and everyone open to change, awakening, mindfulness, anyone looking to live a fulfilled life, anyone facing what may seem like an existential crisis, or anyone soul searching. until i came across this book, it seemed that i was completely floating through life, ungrounded, though with slight purpose- to find my purpose in life, as round-about as that may appear. i felt like a fish swimming constantly upstream, sorting through each pain i came across in life, each sadness in the world, internalizing every negative energy i observed, even and especially if it had no more than nothing to do with my life, as i felt the weight of the world and the responsability of patching it back together to be a place of love, light, happiness, health, equality, and much more. i felt the world’s downfalls, mistakes, horrors, unconsciousnesses pulling at my heart every single minute of each day and could not peer through this massive, darkening cloud to see the immensity of light in the world, and therefore my purpose and place. 

Tolle’s book, along with yoga and life guru rachel brathen (aka @yoga_girl, a must-check-out if you have not already) solifidified free-floating emotions and gut feelings, pulls on my moral and emotional heart compass that i had been picking up on, yet unable to fully articulate for years, since i could make any kind of good/bad judgment call on the world and the happenings composed within it. Tolle’s book entirely illuminated the simple, yet so nebulous, purpose of life in general and, more particularly, my life that i had felt, yet was unable to completely make sense of.

and what i came to again and again through tolle and rachel brathen’s words and guidance and my own internal compass and direction is a very short list:

(all according to the teachings i have come across and my own heart, mind, spirit, the whole lot)

• love — the highest purpose in life; the only way through; the sole path to happiness, independence, solitude, success, achievement of dreams, fulfillement, and, most importantly love in one’s own life and with others, interrelationally. love is the answer. love with bring you through. i have struggled so deeply with this, as i thought love was, in fact, not the answer, but simply a peripheral aspect of the purpose of life until i came to tolle and rachel brathen due to how i was raised and my immediate environment until i left for undergraduate college, essentially. through love, one can find compassion, true understanding, genuine forgiveness. through love, one can find unimaginable strength and guidance, one can not only view, but deeply internalize the magic, the extreme beauty of the world, unblinded by emotions of the ego such as judgment, jealousy, sadness, and impatience. it is through love that we can and do begin to open our true purpose to the world and the universe and through these extremely intricate, small steps in our own intimate lives, our larger communities, and our greater world can we truly accomplish world security, solve global issues such as systemic hate and oppression, world hunger, inequality, equal rights, and animal extinction, for love opens the space for consciousness, allowing deep compassion to flood into the space that would, following thousands of years of history, be taken by fear and, by extension, violence.only through love, can one invite and bring more love.
• happiness — is the eternal question of ‘how to be happy?’, how to find happiness and live happily not predominant in everyone’s mind and life? this is the question to answer, is it not? when one is asked, ‘what is the meaning of life?’ isn’t the answer so frequently, ‘to be happy?’ that is the essence of living. through love, comes happiness. i recently went to yosemite national park on my latest travel stint and hiked this incredibly beautiful trail called glacier point. along the entire trail, you gain steep altitude and look out on almost every major (if not every major) geological aspect of the valley: el capitan, half dome, the rainbow arches, three brothers, the domes – north and basket dome, vernal and nevada falls. it is truly an incredible sight. on my hike down, alone, i was mostly caught in my head, lost in thought, rather disconnected from the beauty that just enveloped me, until i would stop at the turn of a switchback and be in sheet awe of the structures protruding all around me. but what captivated my attention most, was not, in fact, the granite rock faces or the etched stone, but a simple, very small butterfly basking in a creek that ran across the trail laterally. i stopped to watch it, and for about 20 minutes was completely engulfed in the beauty that was this tiny butterfly, just flapping its wings, sitting upon a leave nearby, soaking up sun rays, simply being. i was just entranced by this bug with colors and wings. it was as simple as that. and i found there is so much happiness in that present moment, accessible to me, to you, to any everyone, through my choice of choosing love in love and, therefore, having simple opportunities of pure happiness in exquisite, tiny moments open up all through my life.

• potivity/optimism — through positivity, found through love, i have quite literally fallin in love with the world and my life. i have found how magical so, so much of our universe is. and found how incredibly beautiful everything is, in just daily life. once i foud love, and through love happiness, and through both positivity, everything seemed simply positive, almost just naturally.

so here you are.
three tips for finding and being love, happiness, and positivity today:

1. be passionate about something bigger than yourself. it inspires growth.
2. be proactive about your dreams. stop waiting, get started. 
3. be patient with people. give the love you wish to receive. and even if you don’t, give love still. foster no feelings grounded in fear or lacking in love, even and especially when it seems like the wrong decision. 

i recently sat down to journal and via instagram inspiration made a list of all things made of magic:

• love 
• dogs’ soft fur
• just dogs
• best friends
• boobs
• soft dog earts
• butts
• honey
• sunrises/sunsets
• sweat
• fitness
• water
• color
• cuddling
• nutella
• emotions/feelings
• art
• seduction & passion
• sex
• stars
• music
• tears
• parties
• beautiful views & vistas & places
• ice cream
• life

“life is crazy. but it should be a little crazy, or else it’s just a bunch of thursdays.” 

so, in conclusion, this morning or wherever you are right now in your day, let go of everything you didn’t do right, the negative things people have said or done, the less than perfect things you have done and aspects of your life you perceive to be suboptimal, and shift your focus entirely, completely, on all you are becoming.   

there is no designated time for anything in your life. 
you don’t have to have your first kiss or lose your virginity or have a certain amount of sex at any certain time, you don’t have to get married in your 20’s and you don’t have to do anythign because other people thing it’s best. 
in fact, you will be much better off if you just do what your heart says. the day you stop caring what other people think is the day their opinions don’t mean anything, 
because you’re not here to give them weight. 

just remember, 
in case your mind is playing tricks on your today,
 you matter.
you are important.
you are loved.
and your precense on this earth makes a difference,
whether you see it or not. 
accept yourself as you are. and that is the most difficult thing in the world, 
because it goes against your training, education, your culture. 
from the very beginning you have been told how you should be;
nobody has ever told you that you are good as you are. 
                                                          (~osho)

“today, wake up & decide you’re going to be happy as a puppy.”

This moment now.

I woke up one day and realized how beautiful everything is, how incredible every second of life is, everyday. And I decided to focus all my energy on nothing but those things, totally zenning the fuck out on those things, entirely soaking up every passion, love, positivity that this world has to offer and sending it right along to the next person to do the same.

I woke up today and refused to stress about that which I cannot change, that which does not matter in the slightest. I realized how magical everything is- love, stars, delicious food, light, honey, water, nature, dogs and their softest ears, dancing, laughter, seals, parties, wine, butts, best friends, color, sweat, lust, sex, music, sand, play, tears, happiness, pure emotion, eyes, snow, chocolate, ice cream, butterflies, hikes, work, hugs. I realized how much fucking magic is in our world , and I was so overwhelmed I could neither see nor feel anything else. 

• 
  I realized the meaning of life is to just be alive, that it is all so, so simple. 
  I woke up today and understood the secret to having everything is realizing, I, you, already do. ⚓ #grounded

just a girl who decided to go for it

the past 365 days of my 23 year long life have been some of the most overwhelming (also underwhelming as i find what is dubbed as “real life” is truly like), confusing, rattling, exciting – the whole gamut and more. these days have been some of the darkest, most humbling and saddening days, tears running down my face sitting on the floor of a bathroom stall at work, unable to swallow the life i see before me as my own. i have been virtually chewed up and spit out by this year of this immediate post-graduate universe, in many more ways than one. i have never in my life felt such constant stress around every corner; fatigue to even be my authentic, true self; and massive confusion as to what i want and deeply need my life to not only simply be, but what i fundamentally require my life, my world, my body and mind and spirit to be. nothing less.

to embark upon a type of writing that in never have out of fear of being vulnerable to an audience potentially judging and critical, i think it may be best to open up after so many years of placing brick after brick on the proverbial wall that i have chosen to build around my own self and my heart.

to preface, i deeply understand that everyone leads challenging lives in a multitude of different ways; this story, my story, in no way shadows that daily battle and struggle, that emotional or physical turmoil, or otherwise. it simply includes my story, my heart, in our whole, connected world, as that is what i believe: we are all connected.

for much of my life i have felt that my central and essential life goals – vibrant happiness; internal and external peace; life (actively leading my life) embedded with laughter, sunshine, light, love, adventure, intimacy, openness, and acceptance; work-life balance, pure spontaneity, deep indulgence, self love, and exploration of all kinds (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, sexual, physical, geographical, the whole lot) – was, simply put, overly self indulgent, selfish, and simply put just wrong. from my perceptions and experience at my current age of 23, this is how i was raised, and it always felt wrong to me. i have felt for as long as i can remember that living a lifestyle like my parents’ (i.e. negative, unchallenging, judgmental, isolating, and by all means not centered on love, laughter, and pure fun) is very clearly not a style of life that is compatible with me on any level; i can no longer live in this way, at all, in any manor whatsoever. to provide some background, my mom has quite a story: she was adopted into a family that had just lost a baby boy to sids (sudden infant death syndrome), and her father left that family when my mom was only eight. Her mom, my grandmother, was left to raise three kids on her own with no money and no job. in so many ways, my mom has never been able to overcome this trauma, and, from where i stand, has allowed this to overtake her life and herself and reek havoc within every single aspect of her life: her family, marriage, career, and most importantly her self. my mom seems like she can hardly get through the average day without feeling palpitatingly self deprecating. she casts this responsibility unto others, namely my dad and myself, just shoveling the task of affirming her, of carrying her baggage, of carrying the weight of her world on our shoulders. she has done this through exercising extremely harsh criticism and judgment, saddling my dad and i with keeping her happy through essentially making ourselves control factors in our family and repressing our own needs and feelings, shaming any decision she even slightly disagrees or takes issue with, being completely unable to accept anything outside her comfort zone  even if it has no impact on her whatsoever – this includes especially choices that my brother and i have made that my mom, in turn, cannot separate herself from and, in response, becomes extremely negative and reactionary to, instead of supportive and loving and compassionate and understanding. she is, at its simplest, unable to incapable of working through issues in a healthy way for parties other than herself, of being selfless, compassionate, understanding and loving when circumstances are especially challenging, of accepting others’ choices as their own and non-reflective of herself, of being happy in her own skin and her own life.

this last one – choosing happiness (or the lack there of)- has been a very central in my own development of my life goals, tenets, beliefs, and means of living. it has very much pushed me to embrace every moment for what it is, positive or negative, challenging as hell or elating, laughter-filled or tear-warranting. i am thankful for every chapter of my life, as i have chosen to believe that each step, good or bad, has led me in the right direction; i am thankful for life everyday, i choose to be grateful, as it is a choice. this outlook is almost directly antagonistic to that of my mom’s. in many ways, i view myself as a very strong individual and young woman, someone my mom may wish that she could be, but believes is not a choice for her. she has chosen in every moment to take the easy route: fear. she is scared of literally everything – friendship, family, herself, truth, unconditional love, for she is unable to be vulnerable (what she is truly scared of) in order to develop truly loving relationships in her life, and this has cost not only her, but our entire family, my family, both extended and immediate, a bond that may be entirely irreparable. my parents are on the brink of splitting up, i have not spoken on the phone with my mom for about two months or so now, though i have texted her, my brother and my mom have not spoken for maybe six months now, though they live in same 4,000 person town, my mom has inserted a chasm between herself, and by extension my dad, my brother and i, and our extended family, creating a great distance between us for what i see to be a pathetic, enraging reason: her own personal fear of being vulnerable and in the same moment confident enough in herself to interact in a loving way with others.

this chasm has come to a head, and i have finally, after 23 years, put my foot down, choosing love and family over fear and hatred and distance. my mom, in many ways, makes myself and my dad every time we decide to spend time with family – her or them, as if this is even a choice…

amongst all of this is the factor of complete unpredictability in how things are going to go down in regards to the smallest things like taking a shower for too long, not cleaning up to perfection, not doing laundry frequently enough, being out too late even now that i am 23, not calling home enough, any of which could cause a massive argument and, by extension, a major falling out. this has been the focus of my family since i was young, and to cope with this, i attempted to take myself out of the equation, as to not upset anything, and repress my needs and emotions so that my mom’s could be prioritized and hopefully stabilized and made positive so that we could all be happy. of course, this worked splendidly well for a short amount of time, after which it exploded in my face when i told my parents that i was choosing to quite my job in downtown san francisco, come home for the summer, and then return to san francisco, as this is where i want to be. though i summoned the confidence to choose a path that i knew my parents, especially my mom, would disprove of and be inflexible with, i knew it was the right choice for me. how could i make a choice of any other nature?

after years of pain and some aspect of misery and great sadness in my heart, i have finally come to a place quite opposite from the place of pleasing everyone that i once inhabited. i have chosen myself. not in a selfish way or a narcissistic manor, but through courage and mindfulness, confidence and love, light and optimism. i have followed my deep desire to live my life, as it is my own, exactly how i need and want, through happiness and laughter and love and compassion, vulnerability and acceptance and adventure and spontaneity and exploration. i came to the realization that this is my one, wild, and crazy life, if i can incite mary oliver for a moment. i followed the path of love that i have experienced all around me for my life, yet did not have the confidence to follow.

as the yoga guru rachel brathen says, a small outtake of the longer quote shown below, “moving with love instead of fear takes courage, but on the other side of it lies liberation. enlightenment. joy. happiness. healing. acceptance. surrender. gratitude. magic. freedom.” she has been such a positively guiding force in my life in the past four years. in many ways, i am not sure i could have come to this place i am in now without her.

 

“the marvelous moments, the situations we find ourselves in that make us grow and evolve and expand our hearts-all are going to be covered with a thin veil of fear. we are stepping into the unknown, and this means different things to all of us. moving with love instead of fear takes courage, but on the other side of it lies liberation. enlightenment. joy. happiness. healing. acceptance. surrender. gratitude. magic. freedom.”

~rachel brathen, @yoga_girl

moving through the fear of loving my family, my parents, of quitting my job, of breaking up with my boyfriend and best friend of four years, embarking on a journey of exploring the western united states for three weeks, finding a new job, hopefully a dream job of mine, and finding new friends and my tribe, has been one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, as i learned to take control of my world, my life, instead of being complacent in the convenience and security of the life i had. in many ways, though, i was in one of the most insecure places i have ever been. i knew i had to find the courage to make these changes… rachel brathen also explains, “i found myself faced with a thousand scary moments that in the big scheme of things make up our lives, and i chose love. i chose love. that is all.” that is the choice, the one choice, that i must and i believe must be made in every moment of fear in order to live a life of happiness and love. it’s not an easy choice, but it is the only choice.

and with this choice, that i have finally come to, found the ultimate courage to make, i have just decided to go for it. “the thing about life is, you get what you need. not what you want. and everything happens at the right time.” -rachel brathen. i have come to the ultimate realization that this is the only way i can live, for so long i felt like a complete shell of myself, moving without direction or passion or energy, without life or excitement of anything, even the things i once found to be the most liberating, exciting moments and experiences. it’s almost as if the air of my life was sucked right out of the room that was my world, leaving me with no choice but to make the choices that i have made, however impossibly challenging they were and are everyday. i am just a girl who decided to go for it, to jump into the unknown, by myself, as no one else could ever do that for me, nor would i ever want to, as i have felt for so long that i have put that burden onto other people, as i did not feel i could make it on my own. i came to a point when i was quitting my job, when i felt my family was literally breaking apart like i had never seen, when i felt like my life was crumbling around me, when i knew that i was the only one who could make a change, that it would feel almost impossible, but that i was the only one who could embark upon that journey, that if i didn’t now, i never would. it was time, my time.

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in the last few weeks, i have journaled more than i have in years. i have brought my voice back and embraced myself in such a way that i have been so incredibly distanced from for years, and i have begun to embrace that part of me again. but in the past day or two, all i can write is quotes, each of which have resonated with me incredibly deeply, moving me more than i could have ever anticipated, and helping me bring myself back to love, to the path that i know is right for me. in making these small steps that were once nearly impossible in my state of emotional paralysis, these quotes gave me the deeply, deeply needed courage and guidance to follow my internal compass. i allowed what i was feeling to speak through them and guide me.

• if all you can do is crawl, start crawling. ~rumi
• every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.    ~unknown
• as you begin to love yourself, you will find that pain and suffering are only warning signs that you are living against your own truth.
• try to learn to breathe deeply, to really taste food when you ear, and when you sleep, really to sleep. try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. and when you get angry, get good and angry. try to be alive. you will be dead soon enough.     ~ernest hemingway
• you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.     ~thich what hahn
• you know you have made the right decision when there is peace in your heart.       ~unknown
• surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.
• accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you’ve had significant relationships with. understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. let them go. don’t hinder your growth.
• the only thing that matters is how much you love.     ~rachel brathen
• to receive love, we must first learn to give it away.     ~rachel brathen
• love what is. don’t judge. don’t label. love. just love. ~rachel brathen
• cultivate mindfulness. being present in your life and being grateful for what you already have will attract more positive things into your life, and in the end you’ll have more and more things to be grateful for. it’s a never-ending positive cycle.  ~rachel brathen
• do your best. it will always be enough.       ~rachel brathen
• life is now. change your life by being compassionate, by staying positive, by forgiving, by focusing on love and light and space and abundance and happiness. what you attract your energy toward, you attract more of. meditate on the magical, breathtaking beauty of the world, and soon that magic will be part of your everyday life.      ~rachel brathen
• come let go.    ~ xaviar rudd
• life is short! what precisely is it that you want to create in your life? take a moment… we spend most of our time simply catching up with what’s happening around us, and we forget that we are the creators of our own universe. life happens for us, not to us.

 

 

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in these recent days, weeks, i have come to a place of indulgence and self love that i never have before. i have allowed myself to feel, to meditate, really meditate, to practice yoga and move into a space i have never felt before, to embrace me, with that being my sole purpose and goal: just and only to embrace myself, my true, authentic self. and it has felt amazing. i have read more books, eaten more delicious food (even though i can no longer eat wheat or grains), written more journal entries, slept in more, stayed up later, gone out more, let myself just be more than i ever have in my life. i have been more in touch with myself than i ever have before. and it feels incredible. i feel as if i am being reintroduced to a good friend i have not seen or embraced in years…. and i advise you, all of you, whoever took the time to read these 2,900 words (check you out, homie!), to do the same, to take time for you, with that as the sole purpose, to see yourself and love yourself unconditionally for who you are, without question or judgment or fear or apprehension. with only embrace and unconditional fucking love.

finally, my hiring day came.

and i start work tomorrow.

i wasn’t unemployed for any great length of time. and while, yes, i felt lost, confused, frazzled, and jazzed all at in one single moment, and while i felt down on my luck after cold applying to so many jobs that i’ve lost count, i have found something that works for me. i did not face the frustration and ultimate, endless frustration of unemployment for six months or even longer, but the short time i spent looking for work after graduation in may illuminated some insight into the job market.

so here we go.

if it works for you, that’s freaking great. but i had rather minimal luck cold applying to jobs, and by ‘cold applying’ i mean applying to a position with no networking connection or otherwise, simply responding to a job posting found online or elsewhere. these jobs are challenging to get, as the employer’s only reference to you is your resume and cover letter and, of course, hopefully your in-person interview. if you’re slightly underqualified due to lack of job experience because you’ve been in school for four years or have been traveling, experiencing life, love and the pursuit of happiness, or embarking upon some other awesome experience across the globe, you may find yourself getting the cold employment shoulder with no responses, sad responses that begin with, ‘we are sorry to inform you that we….’ + tears, tears, tears, or, the bittersweet teaser of getting an interview and then getting the ‘unfortunately, we have decided to…’  + tears, tears, tears response. these responses, though they may lead you in all the right directions with lots of sadness, are frustrating and can feel degrading and belittling. you may feel like while you see all you’ve accomplished and how amazingly great of a candidate you are, it seems like no one is entrusting you with such professional responsibility. and not to invite reddit, 4chan and their memes into this, well, to be frank, cleansed and respectable environment, but:

that feeling sucks. i was in bed with that feeling for, at least what seemed like, too long, and it wasn’t even that long!

but, finally, my hiring day came, and someone saw all i could bring to a beautiful, professional, career table and gave me an offer that was not minimum wage for hard-ass, 6-day/week labor with minimum compensation and promise. i can now begin to climb the ladder of success and development and progress towards my career goals.

but i found this job not on my own, not on a networking or recruiting site or linkedin, but through a strong networking connection and her contacts. while this is great and networking is super helpful and all, it is rather frustrating to feel that i cannot find and land a job successfully all on my own. i think, in fact, this kind of structure of getting jobs is an aloft fantasy that has and may never work unless you are freaking bill gates with an iq of, like, 180. recruiting, getting recruited rather, is another beast altogether and can, if done correctly, actually be very helpful, as you can focus on writing your best cover letter and crafting your best resume while someone else researches and markets you for you.

when it comes down to it, just keep chipping away. take a second to step back and target your energy towards your goals. figure out your goals, ambitions, dreams. write them down. make a step by step plan to accomplish them. and never forget:

you are all that.

you got all that

whole purpose,

queen ambition,

driven go getting,

change the world,

type of vibe.

and you can do anything you put your mind to.

never forget what michael jordan said about success. it takes more failure than many are willing to endure.

wandering, san francisco style when i should have my eyes glued to a comp screen

i got my makeup done. i got amazing coffee with my super cute, super freckly boyfriend. i wandered the streets of san francisco (yes, i also interviewed with a  great company) for an entire day, gazing into the depths of the northern california architecture and soaking in every smothering ray of sun, and it was the best day. wanderlusting forever.

i’ve been sticking myself at home, roaming my computer all day, remodeling my blog, posting on linkedin, scouring glassdoor for interesting job openings. and spending a day outside with my face lined up with the sun, spending a little too much money on makeup after i got my face professionally done, eating delicious tacos after standing in an all too long line, drinking margs and sitting across from my best friend, laughing, that was all i could have ever asked for. the simplicity of those five hours spent dancing across san franciscan pavement were beautiful and brought so much laughter into my life.

in the face of graduation and my lack of realization of such a major shift in my life, my move to san francisco and my determined job search and exploration, a taste of freedom, of spending money a little wildly and treating myself to a beautiful day with my hubby when i really, honestly don’t have the resources or the time, per say, was more than recharging; it gave me hope. it brought me light and confidence and energy and optimism.

i have applied to countless jobs, because, well, i haven’t counted the number of jobs i have applied to. and i have received, in return, countless rejection notification emails and calls or, better yet, no response at all- my favorite flavor of communication in the workplace. i have lost all confidence, which is rather rare as a very confident young woman and recent grad, and i have received slightly crappy, pretty mediocre job offers from companies that i should not have applied to in the first place. i have lost all energy, burned out, i have stared into space endlessly, i have spent hours boosting my linkedin and days writing cover letters, and i have lost so much hope and, more importantly, direction. but it’s gotten me to today.

michael jordan once said, “i’ve missed more than 9,000 shorts in my career. i’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, i’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. i’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. and that is why i succeed.” (read more)

i look at other recent grads who have left one high paying job for a higher paying one, an opportunity for a better one. and i look at myself and say, damn, what did i do wrong to get here, on my couch everyday scouring for something that will take me in the right direction and watching myself fail again and again. i never thought i would be this grad, the grad who didn’t have a plan or a job after graduation. i never though i’d feel so incredibly lost after i completed my degree. but i do. and what keeps me going? days in the city and michael jordan… of course in combination with my own determination, optimism and sheer rejection of anything but the life i deem as my own personal ultimate success and dream. why accept anything less? i keep asking myself. my settle? i am more unsure now than ever before and am confounded by how exactly it is that i have been rejected so many times. but what i am certain of is that nothing, no degree of rejection, can stop me from finding my dream life, love, success, fulfillment, and, most importantly, happiness.

“True confidence is not thinking that you’ll get a great result. It’s knowing that you can handle any result.”
– Larina Kase

this obsession with food

my obsession with food.

our culture, this american culture, is obsessed with food. it’s undeniable. and i engage in it to, because why not?! food is an amazing, indulging, beautiful thing. the taste, colors, how it’s made- it’s delicious. and i love it.

but dammit, i eat too much of it. i tend to oversaturate myself with food. as you may know, i love exercise and fitness and adventure and being physically active. i think it’s beautiful, invigorating. it’s a central staple of my life on the daily. i couldn’t be without it. yet, i gain weight and pack on the cellulite in this 22-year-old (year-young too i suppose, as many would say) body i harbor that just begs to bear children, though i continuously object and demand otherwise. i workout more and harder than most people i know, and still, i’m not at my goal weight and body appearance. and i am so happy, though also rather conflicted, that i am have fallen short.

if you’ve read previous posts of mine, you know that i, a tall young woman of 5’10”, weighed almost, practically, 180 pounds just a year ago. now, at 145, let’s face it, 147 pounds, when i used to vacant 137.5 pounds, i have lost and gained, struggled, indulged, found ultimate chocolate happiness and tears in the next day’s numbers. i have floundered in finding peace within myself and with my weight and my body’s image. i have gone to bed purposefully hungry and absurdly stuffed, and i have loved every minute. but i. eat. too. much. and it keeps me from my goals of not only fitness and my capabilities within that respect, but also the appearance i desire for me and my body. it’s worth it, yes, but moderation?

my point is, here i sit, in contemplation, as many may believe me to easily find fitness and the figure i have, tall, lean, shapely. but it’s a great facade. i struggle. i s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e. and it can be so hard sometimes. but i hold it together, i catch myself when i fall off track either the next day or 3, 5, or, tearingly, 10 pounds later, and i put myself back on track to find my goals and feel confident and sexy as hell with every step of the day.

i put a lid on my obsession and bored eating, and i find happiness in the taste, not the consumption. i find fulfillment in other hobbies, picture doodling, instagram, learning code, playing with my dogs, working, writing. food is only one essential staple. and we move on from it, slowly, surely, from the unhealthy obsession that we as a culture, that i as a young woman with stubborn body wanting so deeply to prepare for baby and i saying no!!!, that is food.

affirmation

in these last few blog posts, i’ve spoken and elaborated within the vein of societal norms, expectations, standards and all that is acceptable. this extends upon that and expands that dialogue.

i’ve been feeling recently that i’ve been needing extra and excess affirmation from people and in particular from men. even though i feel like a rather confident young woman, i have recently felt, though i do not necessarily blame society,  that within our country beauty comes through reassurance, affirmation and reaffirmation, especially within young woman and adolescent girls. it’s clear to me that this is shown and exemplified within images throughout our society that illustrate beautiful woman who are hardly dressed, not that there is anything wrong with that, and are asking, begging, for affirmation of their beauty to the public. in fact, if they do not receive this affirmation and reinforcement, one could argue they are not beautiful simply because their beauty, on the exterior in particular in this case, is not recognized.

why is it that we as females need this attention? why is self confidence so scarce? why is it not more commonly fostered and reinforced instead of broken down by these images of dainty, lengthy, spidery women in vulnerable positions? the meaning of these images and the psychological effects that they have upon women, though they’re incredibly difficult to understand within one’s own psyche, especially while they are affecting your mind and mental health.

recently, i’ve worn particular clothing, acted in certain ways and interacted with particular people and men in order to achieve and obtain this reinforcement and attention for my physique. in this period, i’ve constantly asked myself why it is exactly that i’ve been acting in such a way, in a way that begs the attention and the gaze of others, attractive men as well as attractive women, in order to feel confident within myself. it’s as if my self confidence is contingent upon this affirmation… but why?… simply because society claims it to be so? why is my self worth, the self worth of many women, young and old around the nation, the world, so contingent upon others, their opinions, actions, inactions and so much more? how has our society developed to place such an extremely high value upon physical appearance? at the micro level, the everyday level, this is not so, but at a larger, meta level, it is undeniable.

my advice: fuck it all. to all you women out there: go and do you. do what you need, what you want, what drives you, what makes you happy. in fact, i would argue that it’s best to ignore affirmation of other people altogether and simply go about you own business. why is it so important? ask yourself that. answer that for yourself. maybe you’re in a hard time in your life, maybe you simply want someone to flirt with you, tell you how sexy you are, how beautiful you are, maybe you need it for other reasons that person can and could never give you. look deeper into yourself. take time to gaze into your heart, your soul, to begin to answer these questions and find fulfillment within your heart and life, for what does this affirmation even mean or function as without your own happiness and confidence present? it only reinforces the cycle of negativity and dependence. ultimately, you determine your happiness and you live in your body. don’t break it down when you could support, love, and care for it to find a peaceful, happy existence. why would you reject an opportunity like that?

practice love. practice happiness. and it will find you and fill your heart. ❤

50 ways to get that happiness high

1. meditate

2. have sex

3. say yes (to something that feels right)

4. say no (to something that feels wrong)

5. be in nature

6. have truly quiet alone time in nature

7. holding a baby

8. listen to music

9. cuddling!

10. shavasana (corpse pose, body scan)

11. chanting or other group singing

12. yoga

13. tai chi

15. chi-gong

16. dancing

17. energy healing (reiki, healing touch, quantum touch, acupuncture etc.)

18. making art

19. writing

20. playing on the floor with a small child

21. learning about the chakras

22. studying spiritual texts

23. spending time with a Sangha (community of spiritual learners)

24. finding life’s purpose

25. making choices based on life purpose

26. making choices aligned with our values

27. holding a special rock or crystal

28. working with intentions such as health, happiness, compassion and life purpose

29. listening to our intuitive voice

30. choosing not to be intimidated about money

31. water (still or moving, inside or outside)

32. giving all of our attention to what we are doing (also called mindfulness)

33. scanning our body from our feet to our head and sending the energy through

34. imagining light coming down into our bodies

35. giving our problems to the divine

36. walking slow and steady

37. feeling heard

38.taking a nap

39. lying in the hot sun

40. watching an inspirational video or reading an inspiring book

41. being appreciated

42. feeling like were on the same ‘wavelength’ as another person

43. saying “I Love You”

44. hearing “I love you”

45. realizing everything is interconnected and using this for inspiration

46. breaking a habitual pattern

47. massage

48. sauna

49. a healthy meal eaten peacefully

50. choosing to raise our vibration

heartbreak will take its toll: tales of just one survivor

my freshman year of college, before i met my now boyfriend, i thought i fell head over heals, deep, deep in love. and, yes, you can probably assume what happens next, as it’s such a cliché: he broke my heart, and i was in tatters for months. i have never before in my life felt so shaken by another person and their will, their feelings, their desire to serve themselves before accounting for another, for me.

though i came back from the brink of the land of no return, i still feel the pain sometimes, and i doubt that it will ever simply release and never return, taking all my painful, uncomfortable, stubborn memories with it. i doubt that it will ever untie itself from me entirely and float away with peace.

even now sometimes i’ll dream of him and wake up in off moods, questioning my life, my happiness, my actions. and sometimes i’ll see him around campus and be shaken.

but what i realize now is more important than what i felt them; i am the master of my own fait; i am the driver of my will, my happiness, my emotions, my life, and no one can take that away from me unless i let them. yes, i adopted this idea from eleanor roosevelt and all her inspiration and wise words.

in passing him, i realized that in the face of all the powerlessness i’d felt previously that i didn’t need to feel anything like that again, that i was in full control and at the beckoning call of no one, but myself. i realized that i could do anything and everything i wanted, whatever felt right, whatever felt good and when i felt ready. i didn’t have to talk to him if i felt i didn’t want to.

i feel now that i didn’t say all that i’d needed to when we broke up and thereafter. my ex reached out to me this past weekend, messaging me because he feels there are ‘hard feelings’ between us, though i disagree, not simply entirely.  when reading his facebook message, i had this realization, that i didn’t need to on any level be or feel at all subordinate to him. i could choose the place, the time, the day, or no day at all. i had no ownness to him at all. and it felt, it feels, amazing! after feeling so dragged down by him and controlled by him, i feel now that in this moment when he is reaching out to me that i control us, the situation; i control it all. i have been waiting years for this feeling.

it’s essential in this life, our lives, to remember that we are the gatekeepers, the heroes, those who brave the cold and the unexpected, those who embrace happiness and all its light, no matter how cheesy.

this semester, my last in undergraduate, i have never felt so lost. I have uncovered the dysfunction, unhappiness and judgment within my family and my relationships with them, i have been overwhelmed by the world and all that it offers, i have felt choked by all my obligations, yet i feel i’m still here for a purpose. i feel that i still offer and find love and happiness in the world and in people. the hardest part, i find, is surrounding myself with this happiness. i feel now that i walk through each day, waking up mesmerized by the dullness in my life and my present. i don’t feel excited and i feel little happiness when i used to feel true, palpable happiness in every step. i feel that my place in this world i rather fluid and unsettled, confusing and unfounded. i feel that i drift far too easily by pressure from my parents, friends, school and the world. i feel that i don’t know who i am any longer and that i am far too effected  by other’s opinions of not only me, but of the world and certain ideologies, values and standpoints.

all that i have ever wanted is happiness and love. and i feel that i have lost myself among this desire and goal amidst the requirements of life and education and the western world. i feel that the critical thinking i’ve learned in my liberal arts education has driven me to become a cynic, to be too judgmental and negatively centered.

my questions are: how do i come back from this? how do i find time to find my positivity, my optimism, my center again? how do i find time, find confidence, to discover the real me without these outside forces that are so strong?

maybe these questions will take ages to answer…

a perfect woman: the shapes of our bodies and exercise’s role

in my lifetime (i’m 22 years of age) the conversation of women’s bodies, how the media portrays women’s bodies, and, in turn, how women view and value themselves has been a topic of great concern and attention in an effort to shift our culture and nation’s value of women and the images that follow. oftentimes people argue that women of any shape or size should be and is valued and appreciated, despite the media and our society’s fanatic obsession with extremely skinny, tall, arian women. and i too believe this notion that women (and all people) should be valued regardless of their external image and shape.

with that in mind, i’d like to add to this discussion. though i argue that everyone has the right to live their life the way they please, be it active or inactive, resulting in each person’s respective body types and shapes, i also strongly believe that being physically active, strong, and fit are extremely important in my life in particular. physical activity, a walk, run, bike, lift, hike, etc., is essential to my personal happiness and functionality within my life and my ability to excel within it. that said, not everyone agrees with this, and i am accepting of people’s dislike and lack of appreciation of exercise, physical strength and exploration of nature and wilderness. i am an advocate for free will and freedom to live one’s life how each person desires (without harming others).

taking these factors into consideration, i would like to address the health issues and benefits of avoiding exercising and being overweight and/or inactive. one of the central reasons why i’m such an active person, in addition to exercise’s crucial role in my life, is because exercise keep my body healthy. i strongly believe that people who remain active throughout their lives will live longer, healthier, happier lives. my grandfather, who is turning 80 this june hikes up the 3,000 foot high, steep as hell ski mountain in my hometown, sun valley, idaho. he does this about three times per week in the winter and about the same in the summer when he’s in town. he hiked mount borah, the tallest mountain in idaho, when he was 75 year of age. he’s one of the most active grandfathers i know, and his health, though he just had a hip replacement, is stable and he’s in great shape. i use him as an example for who i want to become and how i want to live my life to achieve the happiest, longest, healthiest life possible for me.

i believe that without physical exercise that i cannot achieve this life. in this argument of body image and the issues that coincide with such arguments, i take issue with the health conditions, physical abilities, and other aspects of leading a non-active, sedentary life that result in being overweight and being larger. it is not the shape of one’s body i have any issue with at all. but i do feel that in this argument that women’s bodies are highly scrutinized by the media and popular culture that issues of health are ignored and silenced.

though i am fully aware vast amounts of people disagree with my appreciation and necessity of physical exercise in my life, i will still share my story:

let me preface it with this: i have not valued exercise this way my entire life. in fact, in the years before i came to college, i spent long periods without exercise and others i spent participating in swim team, cross country running, downhill ski teams and cross country ski teams. in my freshmen and sophomore years in college, i rowed for my school’s crew team and found a newly discovered need for competitive spirit and energy, for fitness and physical movement. i began to push myself to places i had not yet ventured, making new goals, achieving new highs, barfing on myself here and there as i pushed myself past my limits. i left the crew team at the closing of my sophomore year due to overcommitment and the team’s dynamics. after these two years on the team, i’d gained 35 pounds of both fat and muscle.

though i found a new part of myself that craved competition, i exercised very infrequently and abnormally my junior year, as i was my own coach, my own instructor, as i set my own schedule and was the only person holding myself accountable. i had to make my own workout plan, schedule my own time to lift, swim, run, get myself back into shape. and i struggled. it was one of the darkest, most frustrating times in my life thus far. my emotions ranged from very high to very low, especially days in which i didn’t find myself at the gym. i had very low self confidence and believed i would never accomplish goals i’d set and wished to achieve my entire life. i felt self conscious almost all the time, and my self worth was minimal. i believe i felt so entirely out of wack because of the lack of physical exercise in my life.

so the following year, my senior year and this present year, i vowed and committed myself to permanently changing that. when i left school to drive home at the end of my junior year, i made a diet change and cut out gluten entirely. i began to eat high protein foods, veggies, fruits, nuts, healthy grains (rice, quinoa), and other healthy snacks. i maintained small portions and ate only when i was hungry. i began to start my journey towards accomplishing these goals i’d maintained my entire life that i once thought i’d never be fit enough to achieve. i began to shed weight, and, most importantly, in losing weight, i began to be able to accomplish these fitness goals: running long(er) distances, biking, lifting, doing hand and headstands and balance poses. my confidence rose again, i fit into my clothes again, and i feet healthier. i lost 37 pounds from 179 and now weight 142. i feel cleaner and clearer than ever before. i value myself and feel sexier than i have ever before. i was born to be fit, to accomplish these goals, to reach new heights and achieve more than i ever anticipated. in this fitness journey, i have never been happier.

it’s not that i disagree with being plus size or over weight. it’s that i am immensely happier when i’m able to intensely work out and compete, when i feel like i’m gliding on the track more than running upon it, when i feel like i’m the strongest i’ve ever been- and that i got myself there without a coach or a team.

yes, it’s incredibly problematic the view of women’s bodies that the media practices. it terribly affects women’s sense of self worth and confidences. but, to me, when it comes down to it, i need exercise to live, to feel happiness, to concentrate, to function. i need to be fit to live my life. and i strongly feel that i can only do this when i’m a certain weight and have a certain body content, when i’m able to move my body and work my body.