wandering, san francisco style when i should have my eyes glued to a comp screen

i got my makeup done. i got amazing coffee with my super cute, super freckly boyfriend. i wandered the streets of san francisco (yes, i also interviewed with a ย great company) for an entire day, gazing into the depths of the northern california architecture and soaking in every smothering ray of sun, and it was the best day. wanderlusting forever.

i’ve been sticking myself at home, roaming my computer all day, remodeling my blog, posting on linkedin, scouring glassdoor for interesting job openings. and spending a day outside with my face lined up with the sun, spending a little too much money on makeup after i got my face professionally done, eating delicious tacos after standing in an all too long line, drinking margs and sitting across from my best friend, laughing, that was all i could have ever asked for. the simplicity of those five hours spent dancing across san franciscan pavement were beautiful and brought so much laughter into my life.

in the face of graduation and my lack of realization of such a major shift in my life, my move to san francisco and my determined job search and exploration, a taste of freedom, of spending money a little wildly and treating myself to a beautiful day with my hubby when i really, honestly don’t have the resources or the time, per say, was more than recharging; it gave me hope. it brought me light and confidence and energy and optimism.

i have applied to countless jobs, because, well, i haven’t counted the number of jobs i have applied to. and i have received, in return, countless rejection notification emails and calls or, better yet, no response at all- my favorite flavor of communication in the workplace. i have lost all confidence, which is rather rare as a very confident young woman and recent grad, and i have received slightly crappy, pretty mediocre job offers from companies that i should not have applied to in the first place. i have lost all energy, burned out, i have stared into space endlessly, i have spent hours boosting my linkedin and days writing cover letters, and i have lost so much hope and, more importantly, direction. but it’s gotten me to today.

michael jordan once said, “i’ve missed more than 9,000 shorts in my career. i’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, i’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. i’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. and that is why i succeed.” (read more)

i look at other recent grads who have left one high paying job for a higher paying one, an opportunity for a better one. and i look at myself and say, damn, what did i do wrong to get here, on my couch everyday scouring for something that will take me in the right direction and watching myself fail again and again. i never thought i would be this grad, the grad who didn’t have a plan or a job after graduation. i never though i’d feel so incredibly lost after i completed my degree. but i do. and what keeps me going? days in the city and michael jordan… of course in combination with my own determination, optimism and sheer rejection of anything but the life i deem as my own personal ultimate success and dream. why accept anything less? i keep asking myself. my settle? i am more unsure now than ever before and am confounded by how exactly it is that i have been rejected so many times. but what i am certain of is that nothing, no degree of rejection, can stop me from finding my dream life, love, success, fulfillment, and, most importantly, happiness.

“True confidence is not thinking that you’ll get a great result. It’s knowing that you can handle any result.โ€
–ย Larina Kase


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