heartbreak will take its toll: tales of just one survivor

my freshman year of college, before i met my now boyfriend, i thought i fell head over heals, deep, deep in love. and, yes, you can probably assume what happens next, as it’s such a cliché: he broke my heart, and i was in tatters for months. i have never before in my life felt so shaken by another person and their will, their feelings, their desire to serve themselves before accounting for another, for me.

though i came back from the brink of the land of no return, i still feel the pain sometimes, and i doubt that it will ever simply release and never return, taking all my painful, uncomfortable, stubborn memories with it. i doubt that it will ever untie itself from me entirely and float away with peace.

even now sometimes i’ll dream of him and wake up in off moods, questioning my life, my happiness, my actions. and sometimes i’ll see him around campus and be shaken.

but what i realize now is more important than what i felt them; i am the master of my own fait; i am the driver of my will, my happiness, my emotions, my life, and no one can take that away from me unless i let them. yes, i adopted this idea from eleanor roosevelt and all her inspiration and wise words.

in passing him, i realized that in the face of all the powerlessness i’d felt previously that i didn’t need to feel anything like that again, that i was in full control and at the beckoning call of no one, but myself. i realized that i could do anything and everything i wanted, whatever felt right, whatever felt good and when i felt ready. i didn’t have to talk to him if i felt i didn’t want to.

i feel now that i didn’t say all that i’d needed to when we broke up and thereafter. my ex reached out to me this past weekend, messaging me because he feels there are ‘hard feelings’ between us, though i disagree, not simply entirely.  when reading his facebook message, i had this realization, that i didn’t need to on any level be or feel at all subordinate to him. i could choose the place, the time, the day, or no day at all. i had no ownness to him at all. and it felt, it feels, amazing! after feeling so dragged down by him and controlled by him, i feel now that in this moment when he is reaching out to me that i control us, the situation; i control it all. i have been waiting years for this feeling.

it’s essential in this life, our lives, to remember that we are the gatekeepers, the heroes, those who brave the cold and the unexpected, those who embrace happiness and all its light, no matter how cheesy.

this semester, my last in undergraduate, i have never felt so lost. I have uncovered the dysfunction, unhappiness and judgment within my family and my relationships with them, i have been overwhelmed by the world and all that it offers, i have felt choked by all my obligations, yet i feel i’m still here for a purpose. i feel that i still offer and find love and happiness in the world and in people. the hardest part, i find, is surrounding myself with this happiness. i feel now that i walk through each day, waking up mesmerized by the dullness in my life and my present. i don’t feel excited and i feel little happiness when i used to feel true, palpable happiness in every step. i feel that my place in this world i rather fluid and unsettled, confusing and unfounded. i feel that i drift far too easily by pressure from my parents, friends, school and the world. i feel that i don’t know who i am any longer and that i am far too effected  by other’s opinions of not only me, but of the world and certain ideologies, values and standpoints.

all that i have ever wanted is happiness and love. and i feel that i have lost myself among this desire and goal amidst the requirements of life and education and the western world. i feel that the critical thinking i’ve learned in my liberal arts education has driven me to become a cynic, to be too judgmental and negatively centered.

my questions are: how do i come back from this? how do i find time to find my positivity, my optimism, my center again? how do i find time, find confidence, to discover the real me without these outside forces that are so strong?

maybe these questions will take ages to answer…

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