living the life of a hammock dweller – tips for relaxation and a journey to peace

in my transition from graduation into my pursuit of an official career and salaried job position, my nerves have been high, as one might imagine, and my energy, the energy in my heart and my soul, has been just zapped. in my life, i have never felt this greatly taxed and emotionally and personally exhausted. it’s as if i can only continue to run, to pursue my next step, and that i cannot stop to breath or allow myself time to relax and take a breath. and when i do, i don’t feel relaxed. it’s quite the paradox. so, in the mix of all these things ebbing and flowing in my life, i have been having the hardest time relaxing. the coping methods and tactics i’ve once used- watching tv, taking a hike, sitting in the sun, being by myself, reading a book- no longer render a similar sense or any relaxation. in fact, i feel the same, if not even more stressed and unable to relax.

i know that i am not alone in such sentiments, so i took some time to investigate possible coping and relieving methods for myself, one of which is linked below.

5-breathing-exercises-for-instant-relaxation –>

One Minute Of Belly Breathing

• Sit quietly and comfortably in a chair, settle in, and feel your pelvic bones.
• Lengthen your spine. Lift, release, and relax your shoulders.
• Feel your feet flat on the floor.
• Place your hands on your belly.
• Follow the rise and fall of the breath.
• Let the belly rise on the in breath.
• Let the belly fall on the out breath.
• Allow the sides of your rib cage to expand and contract just like an accordion.
• Let go of any tension on the out breath.
• Remember that every out breath is an opportunity to let go and relax.
• Enjoy the feeling of calm energy.

affirmation

in these last few blog posts, i’ve spoken and elaborated within the vein of societal norms, expectations, standards and all that is acceptable. this extends upon that and expands that dialogue.

i’ve been feeling recently that i’ve been needing extra and excess affirmation from people and in particular from men. even though i feel like a rather confident young woman, i have recently felt, though i do not necessarily blame society,  that within our country beauty comes through reassurance, affirmation and reaffirmation, especially within young woman and adolescent girls. it’s clear to me that this is shown and exemplified within images throughout our society that illustrate beautiful woman who are hardly dressed, not that there is anything wrong with that, and are asking, begging, for affirmation of their beauty to the public. in fact, if they do not receive this affirmation and reinforcement, one could argue they are not beautiful simply because their beauty, on the exterior in particular in this case, is not recognized.

why is it that we as females need this attention? why is self confidence so scarce? why is it not more commonly fostered and reinforced instead of broken down by these images of dainty, lengthy, spidery women in vulnerable positions? the meaning of these images and the psychological effects that they have upon women, though they’re incredibly difficult to understand within one’s own psyche, especially while they are affecting your mind and mental health.

recently, i’ve worn particular clothing, acted in certain ways and interacted with particular people and men in order to achieve and obtain this reinforcement and attention for my physique. in this period, i’ve constantly asked myself why it is exactly that i’ve been acting in such a way, in a way that begs the attention and the gaze of others, attractive men as well as attractive women, in order to feel confident within myself. it’s as if my self confidence is contingent upon this affirmation… but why?… simply because society claims it to be so? why is my self worth, the self worth of many women, young and old around the nation, the world, so contingent upon others, their opinions, actions, inactions and so much more? how has our society developed to place such an extremely high value upon physical appearance? at the micro level, the everyday level, this is not so, but at a larger, meta level, it is undeniable.

my advice: fuck it all. to all you women out there: go and do you. do what you need, what you want, what drives you, what makes you happy. in fact, i would argue that it’s best to ignore affirmation of other people altogether and simply go about you own business. why is it so important? ask yourself that. answer that for yourself. maybe you’re in a hard time in your life, maybe you simply want someone to flirt with you, tell you how sexy you are, how beautiful you are, maybe you need it for other reasons that person can and could never give you. look deeper into yourself. take time to gaze into your heart, your soul, to begin to answer these questions and find fulfillment within your heart and life, for what does this affirmation even mean or function as without your own happiness and confidence present? it only reinforces the cycle of negativity and dependence. ultimately, you determine your happiness and you live in your body. don’t break it down when you could support, love, and care for it to find a peaceful, happy existence. why would you reject an opportunity like that?

practice love. practice happiness. and it will find you and fill your heart. ❤

attraction

when i was younger, i used to be terrified that when i’d start dating a guy, i wouldn’t be able to talk to him about my attraction to other people because that was just how people in relationship acted. i wanted, though, to share my attraction to other people with him and have a relationship dependent upon trust in which we were both confident enough and harbored enough trust for each other so that this sharing could be possible and would be welcome.

flash forward to the present, i have been with my boyfriend for three years now, a long time for a senior 22-year old in college. he and i have, yes, had our ups and down, our challenges and times when i really thought it was all over. but i have, when it all comes down to it, never in my life ever had more fun with anyone else… except maybe my best friend who i’ve known since i was eight years old. he and i are quite literally best friends and have a relationship full of love, trust, laughter, sarcasm, flirting, teasing, exploration, growth, and, most importantly, fun. our relationship, since its commencement, has morphed and expanded and allowed for space for other people and their roles within our separate, independent lives, but also our relationship together.

which brings me to the meat of my post. i cannot say that i have ever in my life felt feelings for only one person exclusively. in my eyes, it’s essential within a committed, long-term relationship to leave room for other people. not that this will work for everyone, i believe and strongly feel that there are different places for different people within a relationship. this isn’t to say that a relationship should include multiple people within its commitment. but this is to say that liking other people, having crushes, flirting, maybe spending time with or even having some level of sexual relations with other people or another person could be a healthy addition to a committed, loving, long-term relationship. in my experience, it has brought me closer to my significant other and enhanced our relationship greatly.

i watched this ted talk today about being attracted to other people outside of a monogamous or committed relationship, how we can get things from other people that our partners cannot give us: newness, excitement, adrenaline rush, the whole lot. we can be entirely in love with one individual while day dreaming about another, about having sex or making out with another person and then returning to thinking about our committed lover. this is only natural, and this is what i invite into a relationship, what i embrace. for me, allowing this kind of exploration to enter into a committed relationship, especially at my age, allows me to be with the one i love in a healthy, trusted relationship while also being able to explore people who i’m extremely attracted to everyday and who i’d like very much to sleep with or even just kiss. i can’t help having that desire, though i can manage my behavior that is the outcome of those feelings.  i should never have to repress or keep secret these feelings in a relationship, as it’s a part of who i am, of what i need as a human being. i cannot and would not expect that of anyone else either.

being attracted to other people, though our society tells us it’s not acceptable while in a relationship, is entirely natural and expected. i would encourage people to build trust and love within a relationship and then open the relationship to possibilities of sexual interactions with other people outside of the relationship or even with another person and your significant other. why the hell not? we only live once, right!

a perfect woman: the shapes of our bodies and exercise’s role

in my lifetime (i’m 22 years of age) the conversation of women’s bodies, how the media portrays women’s bodies, and, in turn, how women view and value themselves has been a topic of great concern and attention in an effort to shift our culture and nation’s value of women and the images that follow. oftentimes people argue that women of any shape or size should be and is valued and appreciated, despite the media and our society’s fanatic obsession with extremely skinny, tall, arian women. and i too believe this notion that women (and all people) should be valued regardless of their external image and shape.

with that in mind, i’d like to add to this discussion. though i argue that everyone has the right to live their life the way they please, be it active or inactive, resulting in each person’s respective body types and shapes, i also strongly believe that being physically active, strong, and fit are extremely important in my life in particular. physical activity, a walk, run, bike, lift, hike, etc., is essential to my personal happiness and functionality within my life and my ability to excel within it. that said, not everyone agrees with this, and i am accepting of people’s dislike and lack of appreciation of exercise, physical strength and exploration of nature and wilderness. i am an advocate for free will and freedom to live one’s life how each person desires (without harming others).

taking these factors into consideration, i would like to address the health issues and benefits of avoiding exercising and being overweight and/or inactive. one of the central reasons why i’m such an active person, in addition to exercise’s crucial role in my life, is because exercise keep my body healthy. i strongly believe that people who remain active throughout their lives will live longer, healthier, happier lives. my grandfather, who is turning 80 this june hikes up the 3,000 foot high, steep as hell ski mountain in my hometown, sun valley, idaho. he does this about three times per week in the winter and about the same in the summer when he’s in town. he hiked mount borah, the tallest mountain in idaho, when he was 75 year of age. he’s one of the most active grandfathers i know, and his health, though he just had a hip replacement, is stable and he’s in great shape. i use him as an example for who i want to become and how i want to live my life to achieve the happiest, longest, healthiest life possible for me.

i believe that without physical exercise that i cannot achieve this life. in this argument of body image and the issues that coincide with such arguments, i take issue with the health conditions, physical abilities, and other aspects of leading a non-active, sedentary life that result in being overweight and being larger. it is not the shape of one’s body i have any issue with at all. but i do feel that in this argument that women’s bodies are highly scrutinized by the media and popular culture that issues of health are ignored and silenced.

though i am fully aware vast amounts of people disagree with my appreciation and necessity of physical exercise in my life, i will still share my story:

let me preface it with this: i have not valued exercise this way my entire life. in fact, in the years before i came to college, i spent long periods without exercise and others i spent participating in swim team, cross country running, downhill ski teams and cross country ski teams. in my freshmen and sophomore years in college, i rowed for my school’s crew team and found a newly discovered need for competitive spirit and energy, for fitness and physical movement. i began to push myself to places i had not yet ventured, making new goals, achieving new highs, barfing on myself here and there as i pushed myself past my limits. i left the crew team at the closing of my sophomore year due to overcommitment and the team’s dynamics. after these two years on the team, i’d gained 35 pounds of both fat and muscle.

though i found a new part of myself that craved competition, i exercised very infrequently and abnormally my junior year, as i was my own coach, my own instructor, as i set my own schedule and was the only person holding myself accountable. i had to make my own workout plan, schedule my own time to lift, swim, run, get myself back into shape. and i struggled. it was one of the darkest, most frustrating times in my life thus far. my emotions ranged from very high to very low, especially days in which i didn’t find myself at the gym. i had very low self confidence and believed i would never accomplish goals i’d set and wished to achieve my entire life. i felt self conscious almost all the time, and my self worth was minimal. i believe i felt so entirely out of wack because of the lack of physical exercise in my life.

so the following year, my senior year and this present year, i vowed and committed myself to permanently changing that. when i left school to drive home at the end of my junior year, i made a diet change and cut out gluten entirely. i began to eat high protein foods, veggies, fruits, nuts, healthy grains (rice, quinoa), and other healthy snacks. i maintained small portions and ate only when i was hungry. i began to start my journey towards accomplishing these goals i’d maintained my entire life that i once thought i’d never be fit enough to achieve. i began to shed weight, and, most importantly, in losing weight, i began to be able to accomplish these fitness goals: running long(er) distances, biking, lifting, doing hand and headstands and balance poses. my confidence rose again, i fit into my clothes again, and i feet healthier. i lost 37 pounds from 179 and now weight 142. i feel cleaner and clearer than ever before. i value myself and feel sexier than i have ever before. i was born to be fit, to accomplish these goals, to reach new heights and achieve more than i ever anticipated. in this fitness journey, i have never been happier.

it’s not that i disagree with being plus size or over weight. it’s that i am immensely happier when i’m able to intensely work out and compete, when i feel like i’m gliding on the track more than running upon it, when i feel like i’m the strongest i’ve ever been- and that i got myself there without a coach or a team.

yes, it’s incredibly problematic the view of women’s bodies that the media practices. it terribly affects women’s sense of self worth and confidences. but, to me, when it comes down to it, i need exercise to live, to feel happiness, to concentrate, to function. i need to be fit to live my life. and i strongly feel that i can only do this when i’m a certain weight and have a certain body content, when i’m able to move my body and work my body.

it’s a fucking minefield out here

if you’ve ever been a single 22-year-old (man or woman… or other) on a college campus, you know exactly how i feel; you know exactly how hard it is to, well, function like a normal, calm, productive human, especially if you’re already i’m a wonderful, loving relationship, as emotions as hard little fuckers to mitigate.
for one, being in a long-distance relationship is quite the challenge. to add the hormones, personal needs and the needs of your significant other, emotions, desires of a 22-year-old to the mix is, essentially, to concoct the recipe for, to be frank, a relational small disaster.
to exemplify my point, i’ll explain exactly how this feels: let me also preface with this; everything i’m about to say does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that i love my significant any other less. i feel that what i feel is simply a natural reaction of being who i am, of being 22 on a college campus, of being me, a free-spirited, loving, flirtatious young woman with a deep seeded desire to live life to the fullest and enjoy each moment in all of its beauty.
though many people, many of you who may be reading this are not a free-spirited, high-on-life yogi with a bubbly sexual desire and chi, you may, as many assume, have a strong desire to, shall we say, play the field and explore what this so-called field offers.
you may do this through an open relationship, no relationship, hook-ups, or simply ruffled, repressed sexual tension.
here’s my story.

i’ve been at school for a semester, going into my second, by myself in a long-distance relationship, and all the while i’ve had an open-ish relationship. it’s opened great doors for me, no pun intended, to be able to explore and express myself in a new way, to be flirtatious, meet new people, make new friends too surprisingly from a dating app. it has been wonderful!
it has been wonderful, but it has also illustrated its challenges.
i’ve, at times, felt too strongly for other people and wished to hookup with friends of mine, people my boyfriend knows and i’ve lived or worked with, too intimate a relationship for any kind of further sexual exploration.
in these instances, my brain has not realized the inappropriate nature and desire of these feelings and desires. they’re not necessarily unfair to have in a relationship, i believe, but it’s drastically unfair to act upon them, finding loopholes in the open relationship agreement of my relationship. i would be placing myself in a very compromising position that could possibly end my relationship or hurt the feelings of the person with which i’d hookup.
though i find sexual desire, attraction and especially tension with people i’m both physically and emotionally attracted to, it takes the agreement of my physically open relationship to a new level, making the pursuit of emotional engagements and other possible significant others acceptable, though it would seem i’ve already found that in my boyfriend. this pursuit expresses the lack of such fulfillment from within my relationship, illuminating potential issues.

i am an advocate for a form of an open relationship, but proceed with caution, for you may find yourself entering territory unanticipated.
i wish more people were open to the possibilities and rewards of such a relationship, as i strongly feel it can enhance the relationship you have with the one you live, your significant other, it can fulfill fantasies of both parties, it can strengthen the relationship and partnership, and it can release sexual needs, desires and tensions are we young adults, or simply as adults foster and grow, an incredibly important aspect of maintaining a long-term, mature relationship with a potential lifetime mate.

i sometimes feel like i fall in love a little bit with a stranger everyday. and to me, that’s one of the greatest, most exciting joys in life. i am invigorated by feeling simple attraction to someone new. this interaction brings me back to myself, though it can be a distraction my boyfriend. it can also make me feel alive, loved, sexy, cute, strong, beautiful. it can bring new life to my days and invite something new into my world.
this infatuation, this intense lust, should not, though, be confused with love, with the relationships in life that are truly meaningful, healthy, rewarding, and loving. a stranger cannot give you what someone who has known you five years ever could. you may feel intense lust for the super cutie who sits two seats ahead on the plane, and damn, those eyes and that smile, but he doesn’t know you; he can’t be there when your mom becomes overly judgmental and critical, crushing another small part of your heart. he cannot make you laugh until you cry, until you vomit or can’t breathe because you’re cracking up so intensely. that is a gift that is not easily replaced or replicated. it should be treated with the utmost respect and love. it should not be treated lightly in any way.

as i finish, i shall share this: love is magical, emotional, incredible, beautiful. it is the purpose of life. sharing love and life with those closest to you is one of the most beautiful, amazing accomplishes in life. it brings the utmost happiness and joy and invigoration. without love, what is life? without love, why do we live?
small crushes and infatuations along the journey are small moments of liveliness and excitement. they will not be there for support in darkness or even in joy. they will be there, and they will be gone. treasure those who say by your side through each moment, tear, misunderstanding, celebration, journey, exploration, desire, goal, and climb.
that sharing, the exchange and embrace of love, that is why we live.

the beauty of sexual tension

it’s no secret that sexual tension runs rampant on college campuses, almost like the flu or mono. when you catch it, that is some hard ass shit to get out of your system.

as i’m still in a relationship my last year in undergraduate, though it may be long distance, i have felt the immense overflow of exactly that, sexual tension- anywhere and everywhere. and it’s amazing. it’s an experience of sexual rebirth, though i have had no sexual experiences with anyone but my boyfriend (yet).

in high school, i wanted my wildest dreams to come true: find a boyfriend, my best friend, get asked out, have an amazing dance, experience a true act of giving like a hottie bo bottie (as i used to say) ask me to prom in the cutest way known to man, because that’s what mattered. now that i’ve tossed aside many of these things, discarding them as i’ve concluded they no longer are of any importance to me, i realize that i did not play the field quite right, in fact, right at all, in high school. and here’s exactly why.

as a female, it’s incredibly hard to understand guys… and other females, but let’s just investigate the realm of the man right now. guys, especially those who are immature, and that’s almost all of them, play a dry, trickless dating game. they play to hook up. they play to ‘win,’ so to speak. and much of the time, to my experience, they are tasteless. so, in order to get a leg up and boost your confidence while achieving this power position, here’s my small cup of advice.

most important- always and forever – be confident. in yourself. not for him. for you. always for you. because no matter how damn sexy you are in that red hot, flattering as fuck ‘slut-life’ dress, if you aren’t confident, this game of dating and of minds will be no fun to you at all. in fact, it will be miserable, and you’ll leave with a bad taste in your mouth, wishing you’d rolled yourself into bed with a mojito, a cuddle buddy and ryan reynolds instead.

be flirtatious, but choose your words wisely. yes, don’t try too hard, as that appears as desperation, but that’s not the point. the point is to express your desires, be them sexual or otherwise, through physical expression as well as verbal expression. it is my personal experience that i’ve put too much emphasis and pressure on verbal, emotional connection and not enough (lack of) pressure on just enjoying my life, the moment and its beauty, and focusing on fun. the most important part of all this: having fun.

when it feels over, walk away. and i know you most likely won’t want to in any way shape or form and afterwards you’ll be thinking to yourself, ‘all i want is to look into his eyes again and pay no mind to the words coming out of his mouth because i can’t focus because he’s so damn hot’ while you drool just a little. but it’s not worth it and for multiple reasons. hanging on to a guy leaves you with less power, if that’s what you’re going for, in the interaction between you two. guys want what they want, and if they want to hook up, they’ll most likely express that, especially at a party, unless they’re terribly shy. when you walk away, you give yourself the psychological upper hand regardless of what he thinks. you also leave him wanting more; you leave the situation open. and (from my experiences with men, as i am by no means an expert of any kind) this is the killer. this is what keeps you in the game, with anyone, be them man or woman, friend or (hopeful) sexual partner.

smile, laugh, have fun, do exactly what you want when you want. let no one change that. when you’re comfortable and happy, things flow, everyone’s laughing, and laughter is damn sexy.

be just a tad touchy. when the situation allows, brush against him, make eye contact. holding eye contact is a turn on to many people, as well as a sign of confidence and engagement. plus (and that’s a big plus) you get to look at those amazing eyes again, and who doesn’t want to do that?

send mixed signals. do it. do it meow. it’s confusing. it’s confusing as fuck, and that’s the power of it! it’s hard as hell to figure out from the receiving end, but more significantly it’s so much fun to do. playing the game, feeling the sexual tension, leaving yourself and him wanting more, lingering, thinking about it afterwards, there’s a massive amount of fun and internal awakening in that. feeling and therefore knowing you’re sexy and flirtatious is powerful; it’s an amazing feeling.

if you got it, flaunt it… not a ton, but a little. be tasteful. be self-aware, but engage. be flirty. have fun.

never be afraid to leave everything where it is and walk away. there always is time. there will always be time. so take your time. be patient, take a deep breath, enjoy the journey, enjoy each touch, glance, conversation, interaction, lingering, awkward, moment you can find. and embrace it. even if it gets weird. weird is good. weird is exciting.

*there is nothing wrong with a little flirtation and game playing and leading on peppered here and there and everywhere (!!!), if it’s in your relationship agreement if you’re dating someone and if you’re not. i’ve found an aquifer of confidence, laughter, smiles, flirtation, and awakening from flirting with people i’ve just met on campus as well as people i’ve known all four years.

be careful with the end reputation and result you desire, as your actions may impact this in ways you had not anticipated, but don’t let this restrict you. talk to people about your situation. if you’re in an open relationship like me (semi-open), don’t keep it a secret as it may be overly confusing to people and therefore you. what goes around comes back around. listen to justin and his words of wisdom.

lastly, enjoy yourself. if you’re not feeling it, you can always, always go home. there will be cuddles waiting for you always.

every day i believe, i’m confident that i’m hustlin’

in these recent years, my early 20s, and especially these past, most recent months, i’ve felt more insecure and more socially anxious that i have my entire life. it was my assumption, before i came to puget sound for undergrad, that college was the ultimate social experience, and i suppose in some ways it has been. but i feel more lonely now than i ever anticipated.

my freshman year i was extremely social, but the kind of social when you know everyone superficially, yet you’re close to no one, and when saturday night comes, you have no one to hang out with, no one to text to chill and watch a movie with, no one to laugh with or at if you know them well enough. i spent my energy meeting boys. yes, boys. that sounds incredibly lame, though it’s true. since i got to college i’ve been in two relationships, and they’ve been beautiful! i’ve never been so happy in my romantic life. yet i have only felt this lonely except in high school when my best friend, my soul sister, moved to nyc.

it’s like i know everyone, but i’m surrounded by strangers.

i’ve continuously tried to kindle relationships- asking people to hang out, do homework together, get coffee, and it’s great, super fun! then something seems to constantly glitch- they don’t show reciprocity, they’re super busy and don’t have time to spend on friends or going out, we have no chemistry, or other myriad bumps in the road. and to be completely honest, i feel very lonely sometimes now. yes, i have friends, but there’s always a ‘but’ in those relationships. my best friend still lives in nyc, my boyfriend is in san francisco, my friends here at school either aren’t so close to me, they have tons of other friends, they have girlfriends or boyfriends, or anything else like it.

i recently came across an article discussing friendship, the author shared that in attempting to accomplish any goal, it is essential to focus on the positivity of the journey in achieving that goal. in other words, many people, including very much so myself, find themselves angsting over the small steps, and particularly the perceived small failures, struggles, and challenges encountered and hopefully surmounted in achieving that goal. I often find myself feeling this quite strongly in my search for comrades, discovering myself stressing over spending time with people, social situation, parties, saturday nights and weekends. in hindsight, this is the paradox prohibiting me from fulfilling that which i’m attempting to achieve. in focusing on what i’m not achieving, i’m keeping myself from progressing to achieve it.

the most important aspect of life, i deduct at this very moment in my life journey, is, well, many things: enjoyment, learning, love, laughter, fun, success, appreciation, no one of which is more important than another. i’ve always deeply desired these components of my life, and i’ve found them in many places. that being said, i often find myself digging my own hole of loneliness and, to some extent, failure, for i focus too strongly on that which i’m not accomplishing.

in my time in college that i’ve spent working to find comrades, i’ve found that i’ve begun to very, very harshly judge and prejudge people, making rash deductions about their character and their computability with me. though this is entirely my own personal faux-pas, i feel that the environment in which i’ve grown up and the society in which i’ve matured has encouraged such unloving behavior and thoughts. i have come to truly distaste this habit of mine and have started to revert its presence in my life and mind. though it’s quite a challenge, it is paramount to me. this, i feel, is a central component of finding friendship and love in my life.

in summation, i’ve decided the best thing is to fake it til you make it, be confident until you radiate confidence, believe you’re a boss player until you do, in fact, achieve your goals.

as tupac shakur says, “picture me rollin’.”

how do i make this thing work?… is this thing on?

if you know me, you know i’ve just turned 22, i love nature, i love dogs like no other, i’m a senior in college studying communications and french (minor) with the hope of going into web design and doing something super influential and progressive with my career while also finding ultimate peace, happiness, and joy within my own life. wow, that’s of a mouthful! but here is the ultimate questions, how the hell do i make that happen?? does anyone truly know?

i once saw a very influential, infamous quote on a haight street mural in san francisco that said “don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver and gold.” and since then i’ve never forgotten it.

as i’m beginning to apply for post-grab positions, trying to figure out what direction i want to chose, where to go in the world, what i want with my career and life, how to do all that, and damn, how to do all that and be happy (!!!), i hear that quote ringing through my head. there is so much focus in our society and nation and world on succeeding financially, yet happiness is so infrequently a factor in the success of an individual’s life. i understand the need and desire to be the next steve jobs or bill gates or even make a fortune inventing the next automatic drone killing machine or coding school. what i struggle in wrapping my head around, though, is why happiness and feeling fulfilled in life are constantly placed on the back burned, labeled ‘save for later’ so that we can accomplish the immediate to-do’s like finding a job, completing an assignment, making a presentation, making lots of money.

i feel as if this has guided my life until now- graduate high school to find happiness in college, found some happiness, but still feeling a central unhappiness in college, graduate college to feel more fulfilled and venture elsewhere to find other sources of happiness. it’s as if the continuation of our physical movement brings us hope of finding new sources of happiness when what’s really unhappy and needs to be tended to is inside ourselves, festering and building, yet it’s so incredibly difficult to understand exactly where this unhappiness births and why it comes to fruition and what actions we can take to amend this unhappiness we, i, feel so constantly. maybe it means camping more, hiking more, taking more road trips to new places, having more coffee with friends.

though i know camping, adventuring, and hiking more and sure solutions to my deep-seated dissonance, i feel that i’ve, on top of these obvious lackings, felt a lack of female friendships that i’ve written about in small chunks on my blog. i felt that i’ve easily found friendships with many men who i feel rather close to now, including that with my boyfriend. but my relationships with women have been so much more challenging and frustrating. i feel that i’ve been burnt by female friends so many times- they blow me off, never text back, don’t reciprocate my efforts, or simply nothing ever comes of it. i spend so much energy, time, and emotions fretting and worrying that i don’t have female friendships and won’t soon that this feelings simply grows upon itself, causing more dissonance and anxiety. what happened to the days on playgrounds when i could make friendships so much more easily? what happened to imitate friendships and simplicity? why can’t i find that in college?

anyway, to return to my original point, happiness, though fleeting and hard to hang onto, is central to my life. i refuse, yes REFUSE, to allow this paramount life goal and fundamental desire to be overwritten by the demands of professional life and potential (or realistic) careers. I don’t feel that a successful career is more important than a successful life, a fulfilled, happy life, overflowing with laughter and love. and i will not stop at the challenge of finding the balance of my personal happiness, friendships, and career, as i don’t believe i’ll find happiness until i can find the perfect balance between these central pillars in life.

that one guy…

i know all people aren’t straight, and in fact i don’t think myself straight, but for all intense and purposes of this post, it’s all about that one person, that one guy for myself, that has that ever-present, itching, aching, annoying as all hell je ne sais quoi about him. and the catch? it’s always there… somehow. you break up, and it’s painful as hell forever, and then somehow miraculously you get over it, and the pain stops, and you forget about him, and you move on. and it’s great! life is beautiful as can be! you find other lovers, hook-ups, sexy friends, and nothing could matter less than that one guy… until you see him again. and slowly, like a growing sickness, it seeps back in even though you try your hardest to quarantine it and contain it. it’s like a disease, and even though he’s unbearable, almost nauseatingly so, you can’t help yourself.  you have no idea why; there’s no rhyme or reason. it makes no sense at all… but you keep giving to it and it keeps coming at you even though every sense, all your conscience is telling you, “back away slowly,” you can’t…. even when you’re in love with someone else…

eventually you stop seeing him and you forget he was even there in the first place; you’re back to a good square one. you know you’ll entirely well-off. that is, until you see him again when you know you’ll feel it seep a little deeper once again…

but until that day…

look best in your genes : the paleo diet… ish

it’s not a secret that losing weight and dieting are some of the most confusing topics to conquer, let alone understand and put into action. with so many diets being shoved in our faces, does anyone know what truly works? and more importantly, what truly works for their individual body, metabolism, self, and happiness- our unique genes? with the overwhelming critique of our bodies and the desire to be, well at least for me, fit, healthy and happy, while also looking sexy and being and feeling confident, it’s incredibly difficult to find a diet (not a dieting program such as weight watchers, but an eating schedule and habits) that actually works, leaves us feeling energized and ready to take on the day is near impossible to encounter, especially with the level of craziness that is most of our lives whether you’re in college, high school, motherhood or the midst of a promising career. 

timing nutrition intake accurately in order to yield the best feeling and most productive results for health and fitness is one of the largest, most confusing challenges with which i’ve grappled in my life. 

 

in this post, i’ll share with you what’s worked surprisingly well for me in the last three months that i’ve engaged in my return to fitness, leanness, and confidence. 

 

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until about three months ago, i though eating and being healthy entailed filling your body with wonderful, nutritious foods such as fruits, veggies, meats, and dairies, whenever i was hungry, at whatever time of day. i knew, obviously, that candies and other foods with overloads of sugars were unhealthy and caused me to feel terrible as blood sugar highs and lows held my body hostage and caused weight gain. i thought, “hey, i’m young, i can eat whatever i want and still look like i did when i was 14. i work out, i eat well; there’s nothing more to it!” little did i know, i was far from right.

at the beginning of this summer, i decided to lean down and get back into my fitness, so i began to really educate myself on what foods were healthy to eat at certain times of day to maximize my body’s ability to function at high levels, feel healthy and energized, and accomplish my fitness goals.  to my surprise, i learned quite a few facts i’d never known before. i’d previously heard of the paleo diet, but had automatically assumed it was for older adults who couldn’t shed the last 15 pounds of belly fat. i though that if i simply continued to work out regularly that i would naturally lose weight and get back into shape. after a year of testing this hypothesis, i realized it had failed. that i’d remained static for last nine months. 

under the weight, no pun intended, of the confusion that is weight loss, i floundered for information and facts that would help me get out of my rut and found that at its very, very simplest weight loss is solely a function of calories in versus calories out. eat less and burn more calories equals weight loss. eat less, exercise more equals weight loss, muscle gain, toning, the whole bunch. 

in late may as i packed my last belongings into my boyfriend’s subaru as we began to embark upon our roadtrip home to sun valley, idaho, i realized what better time to make a change than now? why wait any longer? i’m wallowing in unhappiness and anxiety instead of doing something about it! so on my 20, i decided to dedicate myself to changing my life and moving forward to a place of confidence, happiness, and healthiness. 

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in nutrition, it’s important to fully understand how the human body processes foods- sugars, proteins, veggies, the whole lot.

for one, fruits act like any other sugar, candy, sweet; if you eat them by themselves instead of sandwiched by protein, you’ll experience a spike in blood sugar and most likely store the calories from that food unless of course you exercise or eat a protein soon after. before i changed my diet, i’d feel hungry mid-day and eat a snack, a banana or an apple, and 20 minutes later feel even more hungry than i’d previously been. 

two- you can eat more protein than you think. the paleo diet, or for me the paleo-ish diet, is based upon eating very limited sugars like fruits, eating high amounts of protein, nuts, meats, legumes, to maximize energy, and eating very low amounts of carbohydrates, namely gluten but also general sugars. if you maximize your intake of protein and couple it with vegetables and small amounts of fruits, you’ll need to eat less as you’ll feel hungry less, and you’ll be more energized and ready to accomplish any workout or task. 

three- yes, smoothies are the f*cking best! but they’re actually not that great for you… and i know, it breaks my heart too. even protein based smoothies with tons of greek yogurt or protein powder, pick your poison, overload your body with sugars (fruits) and enable the digesting process by already having broken down the fruits and veggies so your body doesn’t have to. in other words, everything in moderation. 

four- eliminate the gluton (unless you’re michael phelps). pasta is super good, i totally feel ya. but think about it. a typical american’s eating habits in one day consist of cereal or toast for breakfast (gluten/carbohydrates), a sandwich for lunch (gluton bread), and pasta with bread for dinner (gluton/carbohydrates). why do we eat so much wheat? why is it such a giant staple of our diets? it’s more than unnecessary and, in fact, it does us no good. it causes spikes in blood sugar levels, making us feel tired and hungry again, and it is stored as fat easily. 

five- pick and choose what you will. you don’t have to follow every specific, constricting detail of any diet. you can have your cake and eat it too!… sometimes! though the paleo diet restricts your intake of sugars, fruits, grains, and any processed food, i’ve avoided regulating myself so strictly. i let myself eat some sweets such as dark chocolate and gummies only when i’m working out or about to. i’ve eaten cake over the summer, but only three times and only for special occasions. i love fruit and refuse to cut it out entirely. therefore i eat it before, right after, or sandwiched between proteins such as chicken or fish. 

six- choose something that will stick. choose foods you love to eat. choose a plan that you’ll follow for an extended period of time, something you’re willing and that you desire to make permanent. 

seven- follow your bmi. body mass index is a key indicator of how fit and healthy you are. bmi is simply a measurement of body fat content based upon one’s height and weight.

here’s the bmi scale:

underweight = <18.5
normal weight = 18.5–24.9
overweight = 25–29.9
obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

you can calculate your bmi on an online scale; here’s the one i used for the scale above and for computing my own personal bmi: bmi calculator

eight- always, always, always, most importantly, do what is best for you, for your body, your health, your happiness, your genes. do what fits you. do what you love! if the paleo diet is the worst thing for you, if you hate it, screw it! throw it out the window and move on to something that works for you! this post and any diet are intended to make a change in your life. but if you hate it, it won’t ever work for you. 

 

 

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sources:

http://www.muscleforlife.com/the-truth-about-protein-absorption-how-often-you-should-eat-protein-to-build-muscle/

http://thepaleodiet.com/

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm

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