how do i make this thing work?… is this thing on?

if you know me, you know i’ve just turned 22, i love nature, i love dogs like no other, i’m a senior in college studying communications and french (minor) with the hope of going into web design and doing something super influential and progressive with my career while also finding ultimate peace, happiness, and joy within my own life. wow, that’s of a mouthful! but here is the ultimate questions, how the hell do i make that happen?? does anyone truly know?

i once saw a very influential, infamous quote on a haight street mural in san francisco that said “don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver and gold.” and since then i’ve never forgotten it.

as i’m beginning to apply for post-grab positions, trying to figure out what direction i want to chose, where to go in the world, what i want with my career and life, how to do all that, and damn, how to do all that and be happy (!!!), i hear that quote ringing through my head. there is so much focus in our society and nation and world on succeeding financially, yet happiness is so infrequently a factor in the success of an individual’s life. i understand the need and desire to be the next steve jobs or bill gates or even make a fortune inventing the next automatic drone killing machine or coding school. what i struggle in wrapping my head around, though, is why happiness and feeling fulfilled in life are constantly placed on the back burned, labeled ‘save for later’ so that we can accomplish the immediate to-do’s like finding a job, completing an assignment, making a presentation, making lots of money.

i feel as if this has guided my life until now- graduate high school to find happiness in college, found some happiness, but still feeling a central unhappiness in college, graduate college to feel more fulfilled and venture elsewhere to find other sources of happiness. it’s as if the continuation of our physical movement brings us hope of finding new sources of happiness when what’s really unhappy and needs to be tended to is inside ourselves, festering and building, yet it’s so incredibly difficult to understand exactly where this unhappiness births and why it comes to fruition and what actions we can take to amend this unhappiness we, i, feel so constantly. maybe it means camping more, hiking more, taking more road trips to new places, having more coffee with friends.

though i know camping, adventuring, and hiking more and sure solutions to my deep-seated dissonance, i feel that i’ve, on top of these obvious lackings, felt a lack of female friendships that i’ve written about in small chunks on my blog. i felt that i’ve easily found friendships with many men who i feel rather close to now, including that with my boyfriend. but my relationships with women have been so much more challenging and frustrating. i feel that i’ve been burnt by female friends so many times- they blow me off, never text back, don’t reciprocate my efforts, or simply nothing ever comes of it. i spend so much energy, time, and emotions fretting and worrying that i don’t have female friendships and won’t soon that this feelings simply grows upon itself, causing more dissonance and anxiety. what happened to the days on playgrounds when i could make friendships so much more easily? what happened to imitate friendships and simplicity? why can’t i find that in college?

anyway, to return to my original point, happiness, though fleeting and hard to hang onto, is central to my life. i refuse, yes REFUSE, to allow this paramount life goal and fundamental desire to be overwritten by the demands of professional life and potential (or realistic) careers. I don’t feel that a successful career is more important than a successful life, a fulfilled, happy life, overflowing with laughter and love. and i will not stop at the challenge of finding the balance of my personal happiness, friendships, and career, as i don’t believe i’ll find happiness until i can find the perfect balance between these central pillars in life.


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