finally, my hiring day came.

and i start work tomorrow.

i wasn’t unemployed for any great length of time. and while, yes, i felt lost, confused, frazzled, and jazzed all at in one single moment, and while i felt down on my luck after cold applying to so many jobs that i’ve lost count, i have found something that works for me. i did not face the frustration and ultimate, endless frustration of unemployment for six months or even longer, but the short time i spent looking for work after graduation in may illuminated some insight into the job market.

so here we go.

if it works for you, that’s freaking great. but i had rather minimal luck cold applying to jobs, and by ‘cold applying’ i mean applying to a position with no networking connection or otherwise, simply responding to a job posting found online or elsewhere. these jobs are challenging to get, as the employer’s only reference to you is your resume and cover letter and, of course, hopefully your in-person interview. if you’re slightly underqualified due to lack of job experience because you’ve been in school for four years or have been traveling, experiencing life, love and the pursuit of happiness, or embarking upon some other awesome experience across the globe, you may find yourself getting the cold employment shoulder with no responses, sad responses that begin with, ‘we are sorry to inform you that we….’ + tears, tears, tears, or, the bittersweet teaser of getting an interview and then getting the ‘unfortunately, we have decided to…’  + tears, tears, tears response. these responses, though they may lead you in all the right directions with lots of sadness, are frustrating and can feel degrading and belittling. you may feel like while you see all you’ve accomplished and how amazingly great of a candidate you are, it seems like no one is entrusting you with such professional responsibility. and not to invite reddit, 4chan and their memes into this, well, to be frank, cleansed and respectable environment, but:

that feeling sucks. i was in bed with that feeling for, at least what seemed like, too long, and it wasn’t even that long!

but, finally, my hiring day came, and someone saw all i could bring to a beautiful, professional, career table and gave me an offer that was not minimum wage for hard-ass, 6-day/week labor with minimum compensation and promise. i can now begin to climb the ladder of success and development and progress towards my career goals.

but i found this job not on my own, not on a networking or recruiting site or linkedin, but through a strong networking connection and her contacts. while this is great and networking is super helpful and all, it is rather frustrating to feel that i cannot find and land a job successfully all on my own. i think, in fact, this kind of structure of getting jobs is an aloft fantasy that has and may never work unless you are freaking bill gates with an iq of, like, 180. recruiting, getting recruited rather, is another beast altogether and can, if done correctly, actually be very helpful, as you can focus on writing your best cover letter and crafting your best resume while someone else researches and markets you for you.

when it comes down to it, just keep chipping away. take a second to step back and target your energy towards your goals. figure out your goals, ambitions, dreams. write them down. make a step by step plan to accomplish them. and never forget:

you are all that.

you got all that

whole purpose,

queen ambition,

driven go getting,

change the world,

type of vibe.

and you can do anything you put your mind to.

never forget what michael jordan said about success. it takes more failure than many are willing to endure.

wandering, san francisco style when i should have my eyes glued to a comp screen

i got my makeup done. i got amazing coffee with my super cute, super freckly boyfriend. i wandered the streets of san francisco (yes, i also interviewed with a  great company) for an entire day, gazing into the depths of the northern california architecture and soaking in every smothering ray of sun, and it was the best day. wanderlusting forever.

i’ve been sticking myself at home, roaming my computer all day, remodeling my blog, posting on linkedin, scouring glassdoor for interesting job openings. and spending a day outside with my face lined up with the sun, spending a little too much money on makeup after i got my face professionally done, eating delicious tacos after standing in an all too long line, drinking margs and sitting across from my best friend, laughing, that was all i could have ever asked for. the simplicity of those five hours spent dancing across san franciscan pavement were beautiful and brought so much laughter into my life.

in the face of graduation and my lack of realization of such a major shift in my life, my move to san francisco and my determined job search and exploration, a taste of freedom, of spending money a little wildly and treating myself to a beautiful day with my hubby when i really, honestly don’t have the resources or the time, per say, was more than recharging; it gave me hope. it brought me light and confidence and energy and optimism.

i have applied to countless jobs, because, well, i haven’t counted the number of jobs i have applied to. and i have received, in return, countless rejection notification emails and calls or, better yet, no response at all- my favorite flavor of communication in the workplace. i have lost all confidence, which is rather rare as a very confident young woman and recent grad, and i have received slightly crappy, pretty mediocre job offers from companies that i should not have applied to in the first place. i have lost all energy, burned out, i have stared into space endlessly, i have spent hours boosting my linkedin and days writing cover letters, and i have lost so much hope and, more importantly, direction. but it’s gotten me to today.

michael jordan once said, “i’ve missed more than 9,000 shorts in my career. i’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, i’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. i’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. and that is why i succeed.” (read more)

i look at other recent grads who have left one high paying job for a higher paying one, an opportunity for a better one. and i look at myself and say, damn, what did i do wrong to get here, on my couch everyday scouring for something that will take me in the right direction and watching myself fail again and again. i never thought i would be this grad, the grad who didn’t have a plan or a job after graduation. i never though i’d feel so incredibly lost after i completed my degree. but i do. and what keeps me going? days in the city and michael jordan… of course in combination with my own determination, optimism and sheer rejection of anything but the life i deem as my own personal ultimate success and dream. why accept anything less? i keep asking myself. my settle? i am more unsure now than ever before and am confounded by how exactly it is that i have been rejected so many times. but what i am certain of is that nothing, no degree of rejection, can stop me from finding my dream life, love, success, fulfillment, and, most importantly, happiness.

“True confidence is not thinking that you’ll get a great result. It’s knowing that you can handle any result.”
– Larina Kase

this obsession with food

my obsession with food.

our culture, this american culture, is obsessed with food. it’s undeniable. and i engage in it to, because why not?! food is an amazing, indulging, beautiful thing. the taste, colors, how it’s made- it’s delicious. and i love it.

but dammit, i eat too much of it. i tend to oversaturate myself with food. as you may know, i love exercise and fitness and adventure and being physically active. i think it’s beautiful, invigorating. it’s a central staple of my life on the daily. i couldn’t be without it. yet, i gain weight and pack on the cellulite in this 22-year-old (year-young too i suppose, as many would say) body i harbor that just begs to bear children, though i continuously object and demand otherwise. i workout more and harder than most people i know, and still, i’m not at my goal weight and body appearance. and i am so happy, though also rather conflicted, that i am have fallen short.

if you’ve read previous posts of mine, you know that i, a tall young woman of 5’10”, weighed almost, practically, 180 pounds just a year ago. now, at 145, let’s face it, 147 pounds, when i used to vacant 137.5 pounds, i have lost and gained, struggled, indulged, found ultimate chocolate happiness and tears in the next day’s numbers. i have floundered in finding peace within myself and with my weight and my body’s image. i have gone to bed purposefully hungry and absurdly stuffed, and i have loved every minute. but i. eat. too. much. and it keeps me from my goals of not only fitness and my capabilities within that respect, but also the appearance i desire for me and my body. it’s worth it, yes, but moderation?

my point is, here i sit, in contemplation, as many may believe me to easily find fitness and the figure i have, tall, lean, shapely. but it’s a great facade. i struggle. i s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e. and it can be so hard sometimes. but i hold it together, i catch myself when i fall off track either the next day or 3, 5, or, tearingly, 10 pounds later, and i put myself back on track to find my goals and feel confident and sexy as hell with every step of the day.

i put a lid on my obsession and bored eating, and i find happiness in the taste, not the consumption. i find fulfillment in other hobbies, picture doodling, instagram, learning code, playing with my dogs, working, writing. food is only one essential staple. and we move on from it, slowly, surely, from the unhealthy obsession that we as a culture, that i as a young woman with stubborn body wanting so deeply to prepare for baby and i saying no!!!, that is food.