#TBT: WANDERING, SAN FRANCISCO STYLE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE MY EYES GLUED TO A COMP SCREEN

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i wrote this almost exactly a year ago today, a beautiful, sunny, san francisco day in mid july. and it seems most applicable to the stage i am currently standing tall in, once again unemployed (yes, by choice), deep in the job search trenches, cranking on my resume, online profiles, network connections, and job applications like the busies bee in the busiest hive.

and like mj, i will never give up, for failure is what has led and will lead me to great success.




Published on July 16, 2015

i got my makeup done fo free (!!!). i got amazing coffee with my super cute, super freckly boyfriend. i wandered the streets of san francisco (yes, i also interviewed with a  great company) for an entire day, gazing into the depths of the northern california architecture and soaking in every smothering ray of sun, and it was the best day. wanderlusting forever.

i’ve been sticking myself at home, roaming my computer all day, remodeling my blog, posting on linkedin, scouring glassdoor for interesting job openings. and spending a day outside with my face lined up with the sun, spending a little too much money on makeup after i got my face professionally done, eating delicious tacos after standing in an all too long line, drinking margs and sitting across from my best friend, laughing, that was all I could have ever asked for. the simplicity of those five hours spent dancing across san franciscan pavement were beautiful and brought so much laughter into my life.

in the face of graduation and my lack of realization of such a major shift in my life, my move to san francisco and my determined job search and exploration, a taste of freedom, of spending money a little wildly and treating myself to a beautiful day with my hubby when i really, honestly don’t have the resources or the time, per say, was more than recharging; it gave me hope. it brought me light and confidence and energy and optimism.

i have applied to countless jobs, because, well, i haven’t counted the number of jobs i have applied to. and i have received, in return, countless rejection notification emails and calls or, better yet, no response at all- my favorite flavor of communication in the workplace. (sensing my sarcasm yet?…) i have lost all confidence, which is rather rare as a very confident young woman and recent grad, and i have received slightly crappy, pretty mediocre job offers from companies that I should not have applied to in the first place. i have lost all energy, burned out, i have stared into space endlessly, I have spent hours boosting my linkedin and days writing cover letters, and i have lost so much hope and, more importantly, direction. but it’s gotten me to today.



michael Jordan once said, “i’ve missed more than 9,000 shorts in my career. i’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, i’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. i’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. and that is why i succeed.”

i look at other recent grads who have left one high paying job for a higher paying one, an opportunity for a better one. and i look at myself and say, damn, what did i do wrong to get here, on my couch everyday scouring for something that will take me in the right direction and watching myself fail again and again. i never thought i would be this grad, the grad who didn’t have a plan or a job after graduation. i never though i’d feel so incredibly lost after i completed my degree. but i do. and what keeps me going? days in the city and michael jordan… of course in combination with my own determination, optimism and sheer rejection of anything but the life i deem as my own personal ultimate success and dream. why accept anything less, i keep asking myself. why settle? i am more unsure now than ever before and am confounded by how exactly it is that i have been rejected so many times. but what i am certain of is that nothing, no degree of rejection, can stop me from finding my dream life, love, success, fulfillment, and, most importantly, happiness.

my three-month stint as a nomad

of all things, nomad is not one i thought would be at the top of my list… until i found myself eerily disgusted by my day job (not to be confused with day dream in the slightest) and the feeling of my deep-seeded need to completely gtfo, get out of dodge, overcame me, i put in my two weeks, and out the door i went. with no lease on my hands, i was virtually free to come and go as i needed, wanted, always dreamed, and embrace each winding turn, each lazy sunny afternoon spent in the middle of a wide angled valley outside the yosemite park entrance, surrounded by acorn wood peckers, chipmunks doing their inversion balances on nearby boulders, hawks gliding far ahead, and the sun melting my skin like ice cream in a hot bikram yoga class. at this moment, which was not just a dream, but had soon become an overtaking reality, shimmering in its greatness and stillness, i could not help but know in my bones that nomad had i become, surfing from one bed to another: in my car, in my best friend’s parent’s house, in my new fling’s room, my grandparent’s and parent’s houses, back to my car, and onto the next bed. it had become a lifestyle for me, and i had faced myself with no choice but to fully embrace it in all its luminescence and sheer beauty. whenever would i have a life this flexible, free, and flowing ever, ever again? when could wine and cheese turn into a beach adventure under the stars, parked on the sand, windows down, fog rolling overhead with the sweet hum of the night rustling in the background? when in my life would i ever be able to pick up and leave, come, and leave again whenever my heart desired? would i ever…..

so these months as ‘zoey, the wandering nomad,’ spent wifiless, wondering where my next meal will be, if there will be my beloved fruit, if i have enough isopropyl fuel to make my sweet, sweet, steaming coffee the next sunrise morning, if the boogers in my nose are 75% or 97% sand, dirt, bird poop, and nose drip and if i can extract them pain free, these months have been the light of my life.
and i sit here now, jobless, searching for only three days, wondering where my next turn will take me, i look back and feel the love in my heart expand in deep gratitude for the opportunity to have the opportunity, the pure privilege to embark on such a great adventure… still nomading, still wanderlusting, but searching for roots, bringing peace, confidence, happiness, calmness, and serenity into my heart, my fingertips, my mind with each and every single step and stop.

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i cannot help but sense the profound excitement of today, of this world, even amongst all the deeply negative, troubling occurrences that we have found ourselves, us as a world face with today.

in this unknown, intermediate time as job-searcher, uncertain yuppy with a heart wide open and welcoming to the world, i cannot help but wake up, be patient, find love, feel it in my fingertips, keep to positivity, stay to my focus, and maintain forward movement, of any kind, of all kinds, no matter how challenging. i believe out of such challenge, out of hardship, comes opportunity, light, love, success.
so i plow ahead. each and every day.

 

 

YOU CAN’T USE UP CREATIVITY.
THE MORE YOU USE, THE MORE YOU HAVE.

~maya angelou

mindfulness: quotes to not just get you through

i have recently developed into what i would like to dub my own awakening. after years of emotional hardship and struggle, i truly feel that i understand not the world or life, but myself and my place within my self, my body and spirit, and the world.
much of this i can chalk up to eckhart tolle and his book the power of now, written and published in 1999. This book literally changed my life. like my whole life, not just for a second, but the track of my existence. tolle spoke to me like no one else on this planet has before. you could say, yes, i caught the tolle kool-aid bug, yes, you could say i am preaching or dabbling in psycho-babble.
but i promise you, from the bottom of my heart, this truly, very genuinely changed my mind, my heart, my life, my conceptualization of the world, meaning, the happenings of life, i could go on forever. but instead, you could read tolle’s book, and have a much more graceful, productive and moving experience, as i cannot begin to touch his ability to articulate and relay his thesis.

so, in light of this change, the following quotes also changed my perception, as they channelled me to a place where i was open and accepting and ready to read tolle’s book, and i would like to share these now. i have cited those that i found with a citation. the others i found simply floating around the instagram ether, noteless.
so here you are. simple quotes, simple love, simple mindedness.

  • trust the timing of your life.
  • paradise is not a place; it is a state of consciousness. ~sri chinmoy
  • there is always, always something to be grateful for.
  • knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. ~aristotle
  • nature is my religion. and the earth is my church.
  • when you screw up, skip a workout, eat bad foods, or sleep in, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. it makes you human. welcome to the club. there are seven billion of us.
  • don’t let yourself be controlled by these things: people, money, past experiences.
  • the distance between dreams and reality if called action.
  • you want love? be love. you want light? be light. that’s all.
  • birth place: earth. race: human. politics: freedom. religion: love.
  • today i refuse to stress about that which i cannot change. ~ prince ea
  • peace is the result of re-training your mind to process life as it is rather than (how) you think it should be.
  • you don’t always need a plan. sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. the universe will guide and take care of you. trust.
  • for what it’s worth, it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. i hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you are not, i hope you have the strength to start over. ~ f. scott fitzgerald
  • smile. you don’t own all the problems in the world.
  • accept yourself as you are. and that is the most difficult thing in the world, because it goes against your training, education, your culture. from the very beginning you have been told how you should be. nobody has ever told you that you are as good as you are.   ~ osho
  • this morning, let go of everything you didn’t do right, the negative things people have said, and focus on all you are becoming.
  • just remember, in case your mind is playing tricks on you today. you matter. you’re important. you’re loved. and your presence on this earth makes a difference, whether you see it or not.
  • today, wake up and decide you’re going to be as happy as a puppy with a lavendar flowercrown.
  • one year from today, what will you regret doing right now? go ahead, do it, …and skip the regret.
  • strength doesn’t come from what you can do. it comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.
  • born wild.
  • we are stars wrapped in skin – the light you are seeking has always been within.
  • the secret to having it all is realizing you already do.
  • most humans are never fully present in the now, because they unconsciously believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. but then you miss your whole life, which is never not now. ~ eckhart tolle
  • the meaning of life is to just be alive. it is so plain and so obvious and so simple and yet everyone rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.         ~ alan watts
  • a beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset. when you wake up, take a second to think about what a privilege it is to simply be alive and healthy. the moment you start acting like life is a blessing, i assure you it will start to feel like one.
  • mindfulness: being present without judgment in every moment.

relax. RELAX.: everyone chill so we can figure out this racism bull shit and get rid of it. 

it is no secret that our greater community and world, the united states in the forefront of my thoughts in particular, as it is the center of the focus of this post, is in a time of turmoil. a time of growth and expansion, a time of struggle in communication and demandment of equal and human rights, racial rights, women’s rights, gay rights- the whole lot. from scenes of the black lives matter movement and the killings of trayvon martin and michael brown, to the current presidential race and the arguments of blatent xenophobia, fear and anxiety of foreign people and muslims, to the shootings that have occured in recent weeks and months- orlando, dallas. it seems our country has reconfigured itself with images from the civil rights movement in the 1960s, the first and second wave feminist movements of the early 1900s and 1960s respectively, and slavery, oppression, and racism that has been a central component of the maintenance of power and dominance of societies for centuries, debatabtly, though i am no anthropologist, as long as humans have walked this earth. the question that stands – is this human nature, it is human nature to take others’ fundamental rights through the implementations of racism, oppression, slavery, and the endless lists of controlling methods that so deeply violate people, their lives, their identities? 

so, in this post, i posit not only the question that i cannot seem to answer, that no one can seem to answer – why in any right, civilized, resptable world (and nation/country, as i am talking directly about the united states) are any of these immensely dangerous, destructive power structures a component? 

though this is, quite obviously, a deeply challenging question to even begin addressing (unless, of course, you are a politics and government scholar/student or an international relations lover and argue the simplest of answers: power, for the love – and maintenance – of power!),  this is a concept i have asked myself repeatedly throughout my life and have come to only very, very superficially understand. 
this also very superficial dialogue will be my meager attempt to open up this question and offer a tiny bit of solace, if i am so fortunate. 
i would like to commence by providing a small amount of my own background; as these issues are so deeply rooted in identities, it is quite essential to include this in any kind of input, as we see life and the world through our own lenses, shaped by our lives, shaped by our identities. to restate, we each formulate our opinions and outlooks on life through the lives we lead, through the places we are raised and currently live, the jobs we have, the people we meet, our families, our communities. it is grossly unfair and disempowering and undermining to deny any person this point of view and life experience because one simply has not, and may never, lived it. in order to solve any of these systemic issues, we all must learn to find compassion and take ourselves out of our own, subjective lives and place ourselves in another’s shoes, another’s daily reality, fears, struggles. 

so here is me: i am a 23 year old white female from idaho, i went to college in washington state, i moved to san francisco a year ago, many of my friends are very much like me in that we have similar backgrounds, interests, passions, i am rather liberal at this point in my life, though my family is rather libretarian, i love to be outside, i love food and wine and dogs, i am not a starbucks fan, as their coffee just downright sucks, but i do love love love coffee – as well as chocolate – i have never in my life lived anywhere that was not predominately white, i love to read and work, and with any luck, i hope to change the world for good. 
i try each moment to live my life with positivity, love, appreciation, gratitude, patience, compassion. 
this is one reason this meta dialogue is such a challenge for me; i find it so difficult to understand why it is even, at its heart, an issue. 

so, here is, in its simplest, my two cents, thought they may be the most idealist two cents you have ever heard:
in my very, very humble opinion, i believe that if we each, all of us on this planet, took a moment (together possibly? if that mirable could ever even occur) to just take one simple breath to step back from ourselves, our history, our emotions, our habits, on sheer unconsciousness to just relax, just for one silent moment. if we could all chill out during these conversations, bring compassion, consciousness, understanding, room to be responsive into our dialogues i truly think we could make great progress. 
to me, these issues seem so incredibly elementary in their nature, it is, in many moments, just deeply challenging for me to even begin to comprehend why they are even issues, especially ones that are persisting. how could they be anyone’s true nature? how could anyone live their life with so much misunderstanding, projection, ignorance, hate, pain in their hearts and constantly in their lives? 
every time i have this conversation, these are the questions that plague my mind. we as a world wake anew each day and our choice, the world’s choice, is to continue persisting these hateful, hurtful, deeply descrutive patterns?! it is until we come to the realization that these patterns of oppression are utterly useless, that we should instead appraoch each situation like this with love and openness and consciousness will we ever begin to conquer these deep-seeded issues. 

which do you choose?

in the same vein, though on an unrelated note, there is the question of sexuality, of females’ autonomy, independence of choice in how we not use our bodies, implying that our bodies are not ours to control within our society, but how we, how females simply live our lives. 
this is yet another issue that i am in sheer disbelief that it is even an issue, in fact. contraception, for one, is not a women’s issue. who the hell do you think is getting women pregnant? not women! so if men are in the picture at all, it is not just a women’s and men’s issue, meaning that contraception and sexual responsability is both an issue for anyone having sex. period. end of discussion. the available contraception to men, as well as and in addition to women, should grow exponentially, especially considering the damn century we are in. can we even begin to claim that we are an equal society, with equal rights, pay, opportunity to men and women, for starters (just trying to catch up on past inequalities and not yet beginning the discussion of transgender, transexual, other genders, etc gender, any gender and any sexuality rights)?
take just one moment and think about just the issue of contraception. men have one: the condom, which, in reality, is rather undependable, as it can break easily (in my personal experience), doesn’t exactly allow for great intimacy in relation to sex without condoms, and may not be available if one doesn’t have one. 
women, on the other hand, have multitudes of choices and have the sole responsability of choosing, maintaining, implementing this contraception, which can be an extremely painful experience (any of you women out there endure the iud insertion? ya, i’m right there with ya, although my second iud procedure was just joyous, mainly due to the fact that i was prescribed oxycodone due to the miserable nature of my first iud experience… which is not particularly helpful). taking oral contraception daily, at the same time, with possibly dependable results (92% – double check that) is a simple pain the ass. getting a shot every 6 months? inplanting a bar in your arm as birth control? shall i continue? or could we simply and make equal the forms of birth control available to both men and women? doesn’t that sound, um, like a whole fucking lot simpler? 

  • option one: take the approach of trying to solve a sympton and ignoring the fact that we could, in reality, ‘disable’ sperm and solve the whole god damn issue. pregnancy not a problem. 
  • option two: continue to pretend that women need to bear the burden of this task and protect themselves from getting pregnant. hmm… does that sound extremely outdated, very victorian era- esque, and based in the notion that women are prude and are property or what?

to dive deeper into this particular conversation, this ted talk is extremely interesting and completely challenges the ideas of normality and what we consider to be sexually normal. i highly urge you to check it out!

are we designed to be sexual omnivores?

i also highly urge you to relax and listen and take a breather when any of these issues arise! this shit is controversial for a reason, and, as i see, the only way to work through any of it is to derail your own defensive position and open to consciousness, change, and love.

love is the movement

for as long as i can remember, i have questioned not only the meaning of life, my life, and the precise point of why we are alive, why we live, but also the sheer essence of life. and really, to be completely transparent, i did not truly articulate my conclusion until i read and reread eckhart tolle’s book the power of now. it is practically my bible, if i believed in such a thing. it is hands-down the most impactful book i have ever read in my life thus far, and i recommend it to any and everyone open to change, awakening, mindfulness, anyone looking to live a fulfilled life, anyone facing what may seem like an existential crisis, or anyone soul searching. until i came across this book, it seemed that i was completely floating through life, ungrounded, though with slight purpose- to find my purpose in life, as round-about as that may appear. i felt like a fish swimming constantly upstream, sorting through each pain i came across in life, each sadness in the world, internalizing every negative energy i observed, even and especially if it had no more than nothing to do with my life, as i felt the weight of the world and the responsability of patching it back together to be a place of love, light, happiness, health, equality, and much more. i felt the world’s downfalls, mistakes, horrors, unconsciousnesses pulling at my heart every single minute of each day and could not peer through this massive, darkening cloud to see the immensity of light in the world, and therefore my purpose and place. 

Tolle’s book, along with yoga and life guru rachel brathen (aka @yoga_girl, a must-check-out if you have not already) solifidified free-floating emotions and gut feelings, pulls on my moral and emotional heart compass that i had been picking up on, yet unable to fully articulate for years, since i could make any kind of good/bad judgment call on the world and the happenings composed within it. Tolle’s book entirely illuminated the simple, yet so nebulous, purpose of life in general and, more particularly, my life that i had felt, yet was unable to completely make sense of.

and what i came to again and again through tolle and rachel brathen’s words and guidance and my own internal compass and direction is a very short list:

(all according to the teachings i have come across and my own heart, mind, spirit, the whole lot)

  • love — the highest purpose in life; the only way through; the sole path to happiness, independence, solitude, success, achievement of dreams, fulfillement, and, most importantly love in one’s own life and with others, interrelationally. love is the answer. love with bring you through. i have struggled so deeply with this, as i thought love was, in fact, not the answer, but simply a peripheral aspect of the purpose of life until i came to tolle and rachel brathen due to how i was raised and my immediate environment until i left for undergraduate college, essentially. through love, one can find compassion, true understanding, genuine forgiveness. through love, one can find unimaginable strength and guidance, one can not only view, but deeply internalize the magic, the extreme beauty of the world, unblinded by emotions of the ego such as judgment, jealousy, sadness, and impatience. it is through love that we can and do begin to open our true purpose to the world and the universe and through these extremely intricate, small steps in our own intimate lives, our larger communities, and our greater world can we truly accomplish world security, solve global issues such as systemic hate and oppression, world hunger, inequality, equal rights, and animal extinction, for love opens the space for consciousness, allowing deep compassion to flood into the space that would, following thousands of years of history, be taken by fear and, by extension, violence.only through love, can one invite and bring more love.
  • happiness — is the eternal question of ‘how to be happy?’, how to find happiness and live happily not predominant in everyone’s mind and life? this is the question to answer, is it not? when one is asked, ‘what is the meaning of life?’ isn’t the answer so frequently, ‘to be happy?’ that is the essence of living. through love, comes happiness. i recently went to yosemite national park on my latest travel stint and hiked this incredibly beautiful trail called glacier point. along the entire trail, you gain steep altitude and look out on almost every major (if not every major) geological aspect of the valley: el capitan, half dome, the rainbow arches, three brothers, the domes – north and basket dome, vernal and nevada falls. it is truly an incredible sight. on my hike down, alone, i was mostly caught in my head, lost in thought, rather disconnected from the beauty that just enveloped me, until i would stop at the turn of a switchback and be in sheet awe of the structures protruding all around me. but what captivated my attention most, was not, in fact, the granite rock faces or the etched stone, but a simple, very small butterfly basking in a creek that ran across the trail laterally. i stopped to watch it, and for about 20 minutes was completely engulfed in the beauty that was this tiny butterfly, just flapping its wings, sitting upon a leave nearby, soaking up sun rays, simply being. i was just entranced by this bug with colors and wings. it was as simple as that. and i found there is so much happiness in that present moment, accessible to me, to you, to any everyone, through my choice of choosing love in love and, therefore, having simple opportunities of pure happiness in exquisite, tiny moments open up all through my life.

      • potivity/optimism — through positivity, found through love, i have quite literally fallin in love with the world and my life. i have found how magical so, so much of our universe is. and found how incredibly beautiful everything is, in just daily life. once i foud love, and through love happiness, and through both positivity, everything seemed simply positive, almost just naturally.

      so here you are.
      three tips for finding and being love, happiness, and positivity today:

      1. be passionate about something bigger than yourself. it inspires growth.
      2. be proactive about your dreams. stop waiting, get started. 
      3. be patient with people. give the love you wish to receive. and even if you don’t, give love still. foster no feelings grounded in fear or lacking in love, even and especially when it seems like the wrong decision. 

      i recently sat down to journal and via instagram inspiration made a list of all things made of magic:

      • love 
      • dogs’ soft fur
      • just dogs
      • best friends
      • boobs
      • soft dog earts
      • butts
      • honey
      • sunrises/sunsets
      • sweat
      • fitness
      • water
      • color
      • cuddling
      • nutella
      • emotions/feelings
      • art
      • seduction & passion
      • sex
      • stars
      • music
      • tears
      • parties
      • beautiful views & vistas & places
      • ice cream
      • life

      “life is crazy. but it should be a little crazy, or else it’s just a bunch of thursdays.” 

      so, in conclusion, this morning or wherever you are right now in your day, let go of everything you didn’t do right, the negative things people have said or done, the less than perfect things you have done and aspects of your life you perceive to be suboptimal, and shift your focus entirely, completely, on all you are becoming.   

      there is no designated time for anything in your life. 
      you don’t have to have your first kiss or lose your virginity or have a certain amount of sex at any certain time, you don’t have to get married in your 20’s and you don’t have to do anythign because other people thing it’s best. 
      in fact, you will be much better off if you just do what your heart says. the day you stop caring what other people think is the day their opinions don’t mean anything, 
      because you’re not here to give them weight. 

      just remember, 
      in case your mind is playing tricks on your today,
       you matter.
      you are important.
      you are loved.
      and your precense on this earth makes a difference,
      whether you see it or not. 
      accept yourself as you are. and that is the most difficult thing in the world, 
      because it goes against your training, education, your culture. 
      from the very beginning you have been told how you should be;
      nobody has ever told you that you are good as you are. 
                                                                (~osho)

      “today, wake up & decide you’re going to be happy as a puppy.”

      This moment now.

      I woke up one day and realized how beautiful everything is, how incredible every second of life is, everyday. And I decided to focus all my energy on nothing but those things, totally zenning the fuck out on those things, entirely soaking up every passion, love, positivity that this world has to offer and sending it right along to the next person to do the same.

      I woke up today and refused to stress about that which I cannot change, that which does not matter in the slightest. I realized how magical everything is- love, stars, delicious food, light, honey, water, nature, dogs and their softest ears, dancing, laughter, seals, parties, wine, butts, best friends, color, sweat, lust, sex, music, sand, play, tears, happiness, pure emotion, eyes, snow, chocolate, ice cream, butterflies, hikes, work, hugs. I realized how much fucking magic is in our world , and I was so overwhelmed I could neither see nor feel anything else. 


      • I realized the meaning of life is to just be alive, that it is all so, so simple. 
        I woke up today and understood the secret to having everything is realizing, I, you, already do. ⚓ #grounded

      do what sets your heart on fire 

      today more than ever it seems as if americans focus primarily on living life with the goal of becoming successfull, by which they mean monetarily so. the idea is that one makes money to do what one loves, as opposed to doing what one loves to make money, and, by extension, greatly bettering the world, funnelling it love and light and positivity and so much beautifully saturated energy, furthering our positive success as a greater whole, not as solely one individual. 

      this, to me, could not be more inverted, the idea that each person is obligated to make ends meat, hacking away at a never ending slab of rock that will just never progress and never add any positive progress to the world, simply kicking the can further and further down the road. it is not my place to speak for others, but in my short year of experience living with this as my intention, unconsciously, i have never felt more complacent, dispassionate, and rather useless, like my place in the world was almost meaningless. except, i know in my heart that 1) i simply cannot live this way, and 2) i have a deep desire to positively influence this world as much as i possibly can while my two feet are planted firmly on its soil. so bring it on. 

      in the time that i have quit my job and planlessly travel (really, the only way to travel in all honestly, by following your heart to every historical sight you run into along the rougly 2,000 mile journey), i have tuned in my focus on what does exactly that, set my heart on fire and, in turn, better the world. though in the years in my life before, well, now really, i felt greatly uncertain about my path forward, my career, my place in the world, how i’d make money, how i’d find happiness, i feel very certain, after much soul searching and job grazing, that i have focused in on a path that is increasingly right with each step i take towards it. i realized in passing conversations with aquantances and also deep conversations with friends and family, simply discussing their lives and careers, my path forward, current events, new tech and science, that i began to get just so increadibly stoked on things that i had 1) never even quite allowed myself to be that excited or impassioned about before, and 2) realized i could, with focus and determination, distinctly make a career out of and, quite honestly, could not spare to lose the opportunity of not doing just that, following my passions, the things in this world that just make your eyes so big and leave you in sheer amazement, repelled by utter shock and awe. 

      upon returning to san francisco and recommencing my job hunt, i plan to volunteer for the marine mammal center in rodeo beach directly adjacent to the golden gate bridge, and basically fulfill a lifelong dream of mine- working directly hands-on with animals, in this case seals, elephant seals, walruses, some dolphens possibly, and other sea mammals. and, with any great stretch of luck, i will be rescuing these mammals off beaches of northern california, particularly (rather obviously) the beach in and around the san francisco bay area. i watched an intro video, about 12 minutes long, yesterday talking about all the services the center does, how they run their facilities, and, most interesting to me, how they rescued the mammals off the beaches. while watching this video and the center’s rescues and work, i almost burst into tears out of sheer excitement to have such an opportunity to get so intimately involved with this organization. i am beyond excited to experience sea mammals that closely and also offer my help and labor to such an incredible organization. 

      this and shit like this render me so excited and so utterly stoked about the world that i can hardly sit still, that i can feel the excitement in my fingertips, that i find so much light and love in the world and my own life. 

      this is the shit, the shit that embalms you in a stoked aura, the shit that sets your heart on fire and makes you scream in stokededness (using it! …but, like, not really a word) is the exact shit that we should each be doing, not the shit that pays us good money that we care nothing for, not the shit that makes ends meat that does nothing but harm us and the people around us and the world, not the shit that is a chore each and everyday. this is life– your life! you should always and forever be emblamed in a rad aura, stoked on life permanently. what other fucking life purpose is there? and anyway, the world needs more people who are just so eloquently, passionately, inspiringly in love with their lives, their jobs, their everyday activities, and, so by extension and inclusion, the whole god damn world.