this obsession with food

my obsession with food.

our culture, this american culture, is obsessed with food. it’s undeniable. and i engage in it to, because why not?! food is an amazing, indulging, beautiful thing. the taste, colors, how it’s made- it’s delicious. and i love it.

but dammit, i eat too much of it. i tend to oversaturate myself with food. as you may know, i love exercise and fitness and adventure and being physically active. i think it’s beautiful, invigorating. it’s a central staple of my life on the daily. i couldn’t be without it. yet, i gain weight and pack on the cellulite in this 22-year-old (year-young too i suppose, as many would say) body i harbor that just begs to bear children, though i continuously object and demand otherwise. i workout more and harder than most people i know, and still, i’m not at my goal weight and body appearance. and i am so happy, though also rather conflicted, that i am have fallen short.

if you’ve read previous posts of mine, you know that i, a tall young woman of 5’10”, weighed almost, practically, 180 pounds just a year ago. now, at 145, let’s face it, 147 pounds, when i used to vacant 137.5 pounds, i have lost and gained, struggled, indulged, found ultimate chocolate happiness and tears in the next day’s numbers. i have floundered in finding peace within myself and with my weight and my body’s image. i have gone to bed purposefully hungry and absurdly stuffed, and i have loved every minute. but i. eat. too. much. and it keeps me from my goals of not only fitness and my capabilities within that respect, but also the appearance i desire for me and my body. it’s worth it, yes, but moderation?

my point is, here i sit, in contemplation, as many may believe me to easily find fitness and the figure i have, tall, lean, shapely. but it’s a great facade. i struggle. i s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e. and it can be so hard sometimes. but i hold it together, i catch myself when i fall off track either the next day or 3, 5, or, tearingly, 10 pounds later, and i put myself back on track to find my goals and feel confident and sexy as hell with every step of the day.

i put a lid on my obsession and bored eating, and i find happiness in the taste, not the consumption. i find fulfillment in other hobbies, picture doodling, instagram, learning code, playing with my dogs, working, writing. food is only one essential staple. and we move on from it, slowly, surely, from the unhealthy obsession that we as a culture, that i as a young woman with stubborn body wanting so deeply to prepare for baby and i saying no!!!, that is food.

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