life: square 1, destination unknown

i quite my job, my first salaried position out of undergraduate, three weeks ago, this week being the fourth. and while it makes sense and it’s the best decision for me, as the job was completely incompatible with me and my dreams, it seems like the inverse of what is should be doing – working. joining the dream team of 9-5’ers out there cranking and making dough to pay their rent and student loans, make it in this life, chase their dream lives. shouldn’t i of all people be in that crowd as well, not taking a moment to step back, look inward, and breathe in this dream life that has somehow along the way turned into a complete and utter rat race?

and there is another part of me that knows in my bones that i could not have made a better decision leaving the position i was in, taking time to step back and find my track and get the hell on that track before i have lost not only my destination, but my current location, goals, aspirations, passions, loves. i had reached the end of my proverbial rope,  and lost all drive to even roll myself home at the end of the day. i had not developed my own life, or started to really, after graduating, but only kicked the can further down the road, enrolling in what i thought was the right next step and just digging my hole of exhaustion and burn-out deeper and deeper until i was, well, burnt the hell out with nothing left but the churning of my wheels due to only sheer momentum and arrant determination. how could i have possibly continued on working or doing anything else in life, spending time with friends, meeting new people, exploring, adventuring, taking time to center myself, without taking time off and having a summer, just a moment, of silence, of calm?

so now i find myself here…. about to take off for yosemite, having just returned from a backpacking trip in big sur and a camping trip to lassen volcanic park the week prior. while there is no monetary income, there is finally, for the very first time in my life peace, groundedness, and immense focus. after such a prolonged, protracted period of time feeling as if obligations, pressures, expectations, absolute confusion, and, of course, unmitigated indecisiveness wreaked havoc on my present and future, i have developed a game plan. and it starts here.

today i go to yosemite. next week, i leave square 1 and all that i have known for my life and embark on a solo trip:

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i often feel that taking time to step back and for just a moment, just be be in the world, with no other purpose, no job, no obligation. it has been one of the hardest choices to make in my life, on of the most terrifying, as i am jumping right back into the path of the complete unknown. in many ways, i have never felt so excited, transfixed on finding my next gig, new friends, lovers, new places in this world filled with more beauty than i could have ever anticipated. in many ways, i am more than ready to propel myself to the next step in my life, fully my own. there is a massive amount of beauty in that, choosing exactly what you want and need, what you dream of and reaching out and fucking grabbing it, instead of waiting for it to smack you across the face, if, in fact, that ever happens in your lifetime.

only once i took my focus from money and immediate success and comfort and clarity and security to outright unknown, with no direct path forward, or even laterally for that matter, once i took the leap towards chasing my dreams, making space and time and energy for those dreams, to sort through all the world’s messages to find those goals in full view, that i actually found those dreams – this is the ultimate catch 22 of life: one cannot continue in the regular, the normal, the comfortable, safe, secure, and find the unbelievable, the stunning, the immense beauty of one’s heart, the world, and one’s place in it. that’s like asking for dirty, non-potable water and finding that it is, in actuality, undrinkable, yet continuing to drink it anyway with the hopes that it will change and become potable, when in reality, that is simple impossible.

this is the journey i am enlisting in- finding my potable water in a sea of water filled with undrinkable masses. and it’s about damn time i took this opportunity to figure it out. been feeling a little too lost for a little too long.

 

nothing a bit of solo adventuring can’t fix.

 

 

 

 

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