lone wolf on a codependent prairie

The lone wolf, namely female, on a codependent prairie.

My entire life I’ve harbored an incredibly close best friend, soul mate- Ali. We, like any other BFF  forever couple, have our moments of glamor and our bouts of grime, but through it all we always find each other on the other side of the tunnel. We’ve been close since we were both eight years old and though she moved when we were 15, we’ve somehow managed to maintain an intimate long distance friendship, she in New York City and I in Tacoma/Sun Valley. Ali, though I love her to death, is an extremely social bird, one of the most social I’ve ever known, and I, though outgoing and sociable, do not become close to many others and I definitely do not launch into friendship at top speed.

Over the many years our friendship has gone strong, I’ve watched Ali grow intimate with other women, invite them to hang out when I presumed it was to be simply her and I, spend more energy on them than me, and I have through this felt insecure and jealous as I am the lone female wolf and Ali is a blooming, social butterfly.

Since her departure for the big apple when we were high school freshmen, I have concealed my identity, unable to recover from the great loss I felt upon seeing her go. I avoided bonding with other girls, though I’d spend some time with them. I never felt the synergy that Ali and I shared and was therefore not willing to thrust myself into a relationship so unpromising.

It was not until I became a college freshman and met my now boyfriend of two and a half years that I reopened my heart like a flower greeting warm sunshine. I began to love again, to feel euphoric happiness again, and not just laugh again, but laugh until tears streamed down my cheeks, until I honestly though genuine vomit was upon me. It was… incredible to say the least. I had found a best friend again; I had found a soul connection again.

James and I are happier than ever before. I am happy as a bee. But in the three years I’ve spent studying at university, I have not made one close girlfriend. In fact, I’ve been burnt by other women more times than I have befriended any of them, getting blown off, used, the list goes on. I have yet to experience the ultimate sisterhood that is so rumored in the close quarters of college dorms and sororities.

I have had my fair share of mama drama in my 21 years of life and have worked through some of it, though the pile is still daunting. And though I feel that this has kept me, or more that I have kept myself, from developing such close relationships to other women, I feel that university has presented not a petri dish of sorority, but an environment full of women who simply need peer support, not true, genuine, soul-touching companionship.

I know that I say what comes next with the possibility of entirely losing the small amount of respect you may have for me in the short time I’ve blogged thus far, but I accept your possible judgment as changes are I would have had reacted in the exact same manor six months ago.

I have decided to join the long-lived tradition of the Greek Life sorority in search of many things, friendship being a major component. As I said I accept and expect your judgment and questioning. Believe me, it’s the very last thing I’d ever though I’d even consider.

I have not decided which to rush or when, though it will be soon seeing that I only have one year of school left. I have hopes that it will go well and will open my mind to new experiences I’d never thought possible, as well as networking connections for my future career. Though I’d slip that right in.

I’ll continue to post about this challenge of mine, many others, and other wonderful themes I encounter in my minuscule journey through life.


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